Therapeutic Rants

Good and Bad

2009-05-28T22:24:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't said much on this blogorino of late... I've been busy, and happy, and not-so-happy all at the same time.

I just spent 4 hours last night going through old blogs from 2005. It's very interesting to see how my life has changed since then.

I had a data loss in 2006, whereby I lost all of the information (and a bunch of email... Thanks Microsoft!) about where I gigged for 2 years. I went through old emails to try and figure out where I played, but besides the fact that I lost 5 months of 2006, nobody really talked about gig dates through email back then. It was all over the phone. Funny that my bandmates have only started using the Internet in earnest over the last couple years.

Part of the reason I'm unhappy, is that I'm going through some painful tax problems brought on by a terribly incompetent mistake by an accountant who was just fine till then. How big can an accountant screw up? Missing almost half your income over 2 years perhaps? Revenue Canada is about to make my life living hell. Luckily I have proof in the emails I sent him with the correct amounts. However, I lived my life on the assumption that I was in no hurry to get other outstanding years done, because I was getting money back like I had every other year. He never did send me copies of those returns, and I never did sign them either. :(

Anyway, I'm now trying to get the other years done, but I have no idea how much money I made as a musician for the years I'm being audited for, or even where I played. Looking through all these old blogs was an excellent resource to find out what I was doing each weekend, due to my blogging addiction. Unfortunately, it took hours and hours to go through them all, including some of the drafts I never did make public.

On the other hand, it really gave me a perspective of how far I've come. I was complaining about not getting any love... Pining over the ex... Pining over other girls who were not worth it... Etc. etc.

These days, things are pretty good. I still have some inner conflicts about things I'll need to write down somewhere, but not here. Certain people that still have this blog bookmarked somewhere shouldn't know such things.

I've come to realize lately, especially with what's going on, how wonderful my girlfriend is.

If you go back to November '05 on, you can read about her. I wasn't sure about her at first... We were kind of casual in the beginning, but we're now living together, and she really wants to marry me. Not just little vague hints either, but full on bluntness about it. Now I'm the one who's hesitant. Not because I don't think she'd be great, but mostly because it scares the hell out of me. Possibly because marriages in my family have not been a positive thing. My Mom's been married 3 times (though the current one is very happy); my Brother's been married and divorced. I know many many friends whose lives have been ruined by bad marriages... Blah blah blah.

Here's the thing though: Things aren't going well. I have some debts... Debts that I was managing.. Slowly getting ahead. Paid off my student loans.. Paid off some lesser credit cards, etc, etc. However, if revenue Canada slaps me with what I think they're going to, I won't be able to make it. It's all my stupid accountant's fault, but I'm too nice to sue, and CRA doesn't really care whose fault it was. Just give us out money bitch... I still need to look at my options, but I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Through all of this, my girl has been nothing but supportive. I know a lot of girls would run away. Run away fast. She's even offered to make my car payments... She makes good money (better than me actually), but she's not rich by any means. We're both scrimping at the moment.

Some guys say things like "She could take half your shit man.."

But really, half of what??? She makes more than me, she has a newer, more expensive car than me, she has a pension, she has furniture, etc. etc.

It's about more than that though. She's repeatedly said she's staying put. She's repeatedly said she wants to get married. Still. She says we can pay for the ring with a wedding social. I don't know if I've met anyone so loyal. It's been hard for me to trust women, but this one is genuinely a good person.

My life may be shit right now, but I don't have to go through it alone. I'm still a lucky guy. Perhaps soon to be a married guy.

Who knows?

All About a Little Name

2009-01-21T11:04:00.003-06:00

Funny how a name, not really a name, more like a "label" really... can have so much impact on your life.

It's one of those moments that you remember clearly for your entire life. Some things, like my first kiss, are hazy and unclear, but one particular moment from when I was about 13 years old was very clear.

We were in his truck, driving. It was sunny out. He was driving me back to the bus depot so I could go home, after a visit.

Him: I don't think you should call me "Dad" around the kids anymore.

Me: Why?

Him: I don't want my kids to think I'm going to leave them too.

Me: What should I call you then?

Him: Oh, I don't know... [his name] I guess.

I don't think I said anything more. The memory ends there.

I don't remember feeling anything at the time. In fact, I don't remember feeling anything about it for a very long time. Didn't really give it much thought. I'm good at that: removing myself emotionally from a painful situation. It's a talent.

Problem is, something like that sits and festers for a long time, like a wound you just keep covering up, but never clean and take care of.

I was first aware that there was something very wrong with that situation when my Grandma (Mom's side) first heard about it. She flipped her lid, so to speak. Very angry was she.. So much that I thought I had done something wrong. Something like "You don't tell a 13 year old kid not to call you 'Dad'... [my stepdad's name] is your father. He's the only one you need to call 'Dad'"

I had a hard time calling him [his name]... I did though, because I was supposed to. My brother and sister saw me around there once in a while, but didn't know I was their brother. My sister found out when she was 13. She seemed very happy to have a brother. I know that by this time I could probably call him "Dad" again, but I hadn't seen him for 6 years, and didn't know what to call him. Nothing seemed like the right label anymore. I still dont' know what to call him.

****

I also clearly remember my step dad saying to me, "You can call me 'Dad', you don't have to call me [his name] anymore."

I was 7, and still very conflicted about having 2 different dads, and felt like I was somehow being traitorous to my father's family by doing so. I felt guilty about it, and it was difficult to call him "Dad", but I eventually got used to it.

I never got over that guilty feeling. Guilt for not phoning him in later years (even though his fingers could still dial a phone, I'm pretty sure), guilty for not seeing my far-away grandparents more often, guilty for... I'm not sure.

I must have been a pretty bad person to not be allowed to call my father "Dad". That was the message I got then, and it's the message that still haunts me today. Like I did something wrong.

Funny how a little word can have so much impact.

Nothing to Rant About...

2008-12-30T23:24:00.002-06:00

I haven't been blogging much lately. Not that many people actually read much, I had things pretty much hidden from all but those who enter the blog directly.

Truth is, I haven't had much to rant about. My reasons for blogging in the beginning were therapeutic (hence the name), and I haven't needed much of that lately.

Am I happy? I think so... It's just hard to tell sometimes because I think that I'm not, but maybe part of me just misses the drama I've dealt with most of my life and it seems like it's missing. Does that sound weird? Certainly does to me!

I still have a lot to write about. Things in my past, things that are ongoing, things that are still bothering me. I really need to get these things out of the deep dark depths that they live in and into plain view for me (and others) to see.

I really need to be writing this for me, and not so much for entertainment. I know I'm not the most amusing in my writings, which is different than me in real life, where I'm kind of a riot. I guess that's good in a way, it makes this harder to trace back to me and keeps the paranoid in me feeling safe and secure a bit.

--------

In other news, I saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" tonight. Must say that I really did like it. I've always had an admiration for Mr. Pitt, and now his roles seem to be getting better and better. But that's just my opinion.

Cellphone Conundrum

2008-09-29T01:16:00.001-05:00

To iPhone, or not to iPhone, that is the question.

So, I'm still going back and forth trying to figure out which damn phone to ultimately go with. My trusy old Audiovox SMT 5600 is not broken, but the battery is dead, and Rogers says there is now only 1 left in Canada, and Audiovox doesn't make the phone anymore. Time for a new one anyway.

The Scoop:

Apple iPhone VS HTC TyTn

I actually ordered a TyTn, but apparently I can refuse to accept it, and can re-negotiate with Rogers and get the iPhone instead.

iPhone - The Good:
- Sleek, cool sci-fi look
- multitouch
- lots of apps on iTunes
- looks cool
- GPS
- Did I mention it looks cool?
- It's got a cool MP3 player, and a real headphone jack.
- Phone supports WiFi, Bluetooth.

iPhone - The Bad:
- Can't us the phone as a modem. There have been several apps to allow this, but the evil Steve Jobs canned them. Booo!
- NO ADOBE FLASH ON IPHONE!!!! This is a huge bad for me. Flash is supposed to be a standard.. Every computer and browser supports it. Other smartphones can view Flash. Lots of Flash-enabled sites out there, including a huge number of musician/band Web sites simply won't work.
- Googling "sync iphone to Outlook" reveals that there are hundreds, which really means thousands of people who can't seem to get the iPhone to play nice with Outlook on a PC. I SUPPOSE I could try to use a different web-based calendar, but right now, iTunes will ONLY sync a calendar with Outlook. I'd have to change the way I do appointments.
- No video camera. This isn't a real biggie, but still a disappointment. Apparently there are a couple apps that enable this, but I don't know how well...
- No Flash (for the camera). Again, not a huge deal. My old phone didn't have a Flash... I simply didn't take pictures at night. Still, most new phones have a damn flash.
- Memory limit. The iPhone has 8 Gigs of memory, but that's it. If you use it up, you canna have any more. No external slot for an external card. Nada.
- Can't change the battery. When the iPhone battery dies, you send it back to Apple, who have to change it for you. Boo!
- Supposed bad call quality. This is what I've heard from many people. However, the new iPhone software is supposed to fix this.

HTC TyTn- The Good:
- CAN use the phone as a modem.
- Phone supports Flash, and several different browser choices (IE, Opera, probably Firefox at some point)
- Lots of apps available.
- Definitely will sync to Outlook.
- Full, slide-out keyboard.
- Flash for the camera
- Shoots video
- Touch screen display (comes with a stylus), but no multitouch.
- Second front mounted camera for video calls.
- Tweakable - uses XML that I can edit.
- will do MMS
- Phone supports WiFi, Bluetooth.
- Will still do all that cool stuff like MP3, Movies, etc.
- Can do remote desktop.. I can remotely run my XP computer, without having to use lame-o Web-based remoting services.
- Uses Windows Mobile. Some people hate it, some people love it. Personally, I like it. Lots of features, but not as "user-friendly" as the iPhone. Geeks love it though.
- Can use bigger and better Flash cards (MiniSD) when they come out. Up to 16 gigs (for now).

HTC TyTn - The Bad:
- This phone is over 2 years old. It came out in 2006. Rogers refuses to carry the newest version, HTC Touch Pro, or even the version before that, the HTC TyTn II, for cryin' out loud! This is my biggest problem. If I get the phone, Rogers will no doubt offer the newer one within months. Apparently, they're trying to sell off old stock. I checked and there were a few Rogers TyTn's for under $100 (mine was just under $200).
- This phone MIGHT be running Windows Mobile 5. I've looked at some apps for smartphones, and a few require WM6. 6.1 is even better. I need to phone Rogers tech support tomorrow to find out if the TyTn will have 5, 6, or 6.1, and if it doesn't, will I be able to upgrade it?
- It's not as pretty as the iPhone.
- Screen's not as big.
- Only uses a proprietary USB jack to plug headphones into, so I can't use my nice ones. Apparently though, you can get an adapter for this.
- No GPS.. not sure if this is important. I have an LG GPS that we use on trips. Apparently, you can download a Google Maps app that uses cell towers to get your location.
- Less RAM, making things run a bit slower than the iPhone.

Hardware for hardware, these 2 phones are actually pretty similar, apart from the iPhone having a bigger screen, and the TyTn having the big keyboard.
Speed: Both are 3G.
Camera: Both have a 2megapixel camera.
Processor: Both are around 400MHz I believe.

So this leaves me with a few options:
1. I send back the TyTn when it comes this week, and order the iPhone. I would then do my best to try to get it do the things other people are having problems with, such as syncing calendars/contacts (the primary reason I needed a smartphone). Might have to go another week without a cell phone though.
2. Keep the TyTn, screw the iPhone, and deal with all the fans saying "You shoulda got the iPhone". But have a cell right away.
3. Send back the TyTn, get the iPhone, then possibly buy a cheaper TyTn off eBay, and use both. Seems kinda silly though.

4. Hold off, try harder to get a battery for my old phone, and demand the HTC Touch Diamond. Telus already has it. It's an iPhone killer, with a cool touch interface, and yet all the geekiness and features that go along with Windows Mobile. This is truly the phone for me. News reports all say Rogers already has it. I would be MEGA PISSED if I bought an ancient HTC TyTn, when I coulda had the diamond. http://www.htc.com/www/product.aspx?id=46278

Actually, this is what I want to do.

Damn you Rogers. If you JUST had a more updated SmartPhone, this would have been a no-brainer.

Epiphany - Avoidance

2008-07-27T12:09:00.003-05:00

You know when you have a sudden epiphany, but it's like something you've really known for a long time anyway?

Today's epiphany:

I'm an avoider.

I avoid that which makes me uncomfortable.

Why did I go through high school, and then right up till age 22 without a girlfriend and without sex? It made me uncomfortable. I avoided it. I used to think it was because I was shy, or was afraid of rejection, but really, there were many times when it was fucking handed to me on a platter. In my head, I knew that if I just followed this logical course in front of me, it was a damn sure thing. Does she have to spell it out for me?

Well, yes actually.

I avoided it because it made me uncomfortable.

Even that butterfly-type feeling that I might be about to get some is uncomfortable, so I avoid.

I also avoid conversations which will make me uncomfortable. I screwed up this week, and missed a gig (well, only partially screwed up, because the other party's lackluster communication skills are also to blame), and totally avoided bringing that up with the person, because he makes me uncomfortable on a good day, let alone when he wants to kill me.

I have to bring up the subject of a really well-paying gig with the girlfriend today, which will clash with our plans to go to her cousin's wedding. She'll be pissed. I can't avoid her though, she lives here. Sometimes avoidance is not an option.

So that's it I guess. When it really boils down to it, I'm a creature of comfort, and avoid doing anything that makes me uncomfortable. Is that so wrong?

Why yes, yes it is.

Nothing...

2008-06-20T02:04:00.003-05:00

I'm supposed to be going to the gym. I didn't. I'm still here. I got caught up in the world wide web once again. This time it was reading old blogs. My own, and others that I shouldn't really still be reading. Sometimes reading about my old problems can really put me into a funk. Especially if it's about unresolved things.

I shouldn't care, really, but I do, and that's the problem.

Life is actually good, but the truth is, I can't figure out if I'm happy or not. That's weird no? I'm pretty sure I am..

I've got a really great girlfriend. She obviously loves me a lot, and shows it constantly.

Maybe I'm so used to the normal relationship drama and heartache that I actually miss it, as sick and twisted as that sounds. In the past, it was always me doing the chasing, constantly worried about if she was going to leave... Or if she really was playing footsie with that drummer guy under the table.. Or why she had to screw my friends.. or just, "what's wrong sweetie?" (talking about all different women here fyi)

Maybe I'm just not hardwired to actually be the "chased" one.

Another problem is that I seem to be afraid to really write down what's bugging me. I'm afraid she'll find it. My oh-so-snoopy ex seemed to find the damn blog pretty easily, so will my current GF be able to find it? I stupidly left a clue one day to this particular online persona... I don't know if she caught it. Maybe I should change the image even thought I do like it. My current GF is not as search-savvy, but she does use a computer all day at work.

Things are bugging me, and it's bugging me that I can't write about (all of) them.

Guilt:

I clearly have guilt issues.

For example, my friend "D" moved away and got herself married. I'm really bad for keeping in touch sometimes.. I don't mean to be distant, but I get so caught up in work and the needs of those around me, that I neglect the "non-squeaky" type wheels. I usually remember at one point, but by then I'm racked by guilt about not calling those people, and I end up putting it off, which makes me more guilty, which makes me avoid, all of which makes me look like an asshole.

Lately I've really been missing my old friend. A lot. Before she left, she asked me why we never dated. I never told her that it had secretly been something I'd thought about a lot back when my last relationship was ending, and for a long time after. I did tell her the truth though, that I was afraid that it would spoil our friendship. I guess I still don't see relationships as long-lasting. But here I am without her anyway. Damn.

I guess I should try to call, but I'm still worried she won't want to talk to me.

The whole thing is kind of similar to how it is with my father (biological) I don't call because I feel guilty about not calling.

I clearly have issues.

Karaoke

2008-06-01T04:06:00.002-05:00

I bought the girlfriend a PS2 and "Sing Star" for her b-day. Now, she's drunk and singing really badly downstairs. For those of you who don't know, "Sing Star" is like Karaoke, but as a game. She's actually not too bad.. Maybe I can teach her to sing properly. Who knows. Anyway, her very hot friend made rum and cokes for me all night and now I'm rather inebriated. Thank God for Firefox spellcheck. Isn't it interesting how Firefox Spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "Spellcheck". hahaha

You have no idea how many times I had to hit BackSpace whilst typing this.

P.S. Spellcheck doesn't recognize "Backspace" either...

P.P.S. My Girlfriend's hot 24 year old friend said I was hot. Cool. I'm old, so I cherish those moments.

P.P.P.S. I saw the GF's pics from our vacation. I'm Fat. Fo Shizzle. To the Gym.

I'm Leeeeaving, On a Jet Plane...

2008-05-10T00:29:00.003-05:00

Well, actually, driving to Minneapolis first.

I'm headed out on a trip to Florida on Sunday. Driving to Minneapolis, then flying to Ft. Lauderdale on Monday.

Tuesday morning we're taking the boat to Grand Bahama Island, and staying for 3 days, 2 nights. I'm really looking forward to this, because we're going to rent a car this time. When we went there last year, it was only for an afternoon. The GF shopped for 3.5 hours, and we got to use the beach for .5 hours. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday.

Thursday, it's back to Ft. Lauderdale, then a late night drive to Orlando.

Friday we drive to Cape Canaveral. I was hoping to see a rocket launch (GLAST), but it's been postponed :( At least we'll get the tour this time. Last time, she made me take the "scenic route", and we missed all the good stuff @ NASA. I just got to see the tourist gift shop and boring stuff. I wanna see ROCKETS!!

Saturday will be Universal Studios in Orlando. The whole day. w0Ot!

Sunday: Driving from Orlando to Key West. Again, last time we only spent an afternoon in Key West. This time, we'll stay overnight :)

Monday: Driving to Miami Beach, where we spent most of our time last year. This time we'll be staying in a condo (through Hotwire.. Didn't know you could book those), which is conveniently only 4 blocks from where we stayed last year. I'm quite familiar with the area.

The rest of the week will be spent lazing around Miami Beach, lots of stuff to see. I want to do the airboat rides this time, and see some more alligators (the GF calls them "Ally Gators").

I realize my writing sucks here, but I've been typing all day marking student assignments and rushing to get my grades done by tonight. I'm done! Yay!!!

Stepping away from the computer now....

yep.

Soon.

Ok,

Bye....

What I'm Worth In Bed

2008-03-07T18:10:00.001-06:00

Still Cold

2008-03-04T23:45:00.001-06:00

Yep, still cold in Winterpeg. I long for Florida.

I haven't blogged in a long time, I now realize. My life is sooo hectic. I long for the days when I only played music, and had more time for creative endeavors.

I actually have much to blog about, but I've been really chicken shit about certain people finding this blog. I guess I should stop worrying. I don't think my GF knows about it. Maybe I should make up something really crazy, and see if she starts acting weird? That would tell me if she's discovered my lowly blog.

Note to self. Blog more. It used to make me feel better.

Brrrrr

2007-12-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

It's -25 Celsius out right now.

Not only that, but this new place is drafty. The GF has already put up plastic around all the windows, but there's still some drafts coming in. Not looking forward to seeing the heating bill....

-25 fucking degrees.

And I know it's going to get worse. This is, after all, Winnipeg (affectionately known as "Winterpig"). It'll hit below -30 in January... It always does. This is definitely colder than the normal for this time of year, and they're telling us now that this will be the coldest winter in 15 years. Great. For anyone un-initiated to our temperatures, -30 is without any wind. If it's windier, we have something called wind chill, which makes it feel more like -50.

I want to go back to Florida. It's right now 24 degrees (75 in American) in Miami. I could be walking around with shorts. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

It's even 1 degree in Victoria/Vancouver right now. I'd take that over -25. Even Toronto is 3 degrees (37 in American) right now. I truly live in the armpit of North America.

The older I get, the more I hate going through winter. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I've put in my time. Enough is enough. Get me out!

Moving to Florida and becoming a certain somebody's pool-boy is looking more and more appealing. Except I don't know anything about pools. Can I be a personal love-slave instead? I'll sing to you instead.... I posted one of my songs somewhere on this here blog...

I ask you, do you really think people should be living in a place where going outside naked can kill you? I think if beings were really meant to be living in a place, it should be a natural habitat for those beings. Meaning I should be able to run around naked like the animals. Around here, if I did that in the summer, I would be fried by the sun by day and eaten by swarms (and I do mean SWARMS) of mosquitos by night. Running around naked in the winter would of course kill you in a matter of minutes (although I hear it's a pleasant way to go... and you don't decompose until the spring).

It's not natural I tell you. Not natural.

*sigh* I guess I'll stay in and at least enjoy my 50" Samsung plasma.

On another note, I tried to wash my car today, and now it looks like a big silver ice-cube. I didn't clear all the snow off, thinking that the car wash (one of those laser automatic ones) would wash off the snow, but it didn't. Now the top of my car is covered in ice. Only a week and a half ago, it was close to 0 degrees, and full of slushy, salty, car-destroying muck, so I really needed to wash that off my car. Otherwise I would have just left it.

We really did transition rather quickly from slightly chilly fall-type weather to full-on Manitoba winter in a short time. Why, only a month ago I was biking to my teaching gig.

After I'm done teaching, I swear I'm going to stay in for weeks at a time and hibernate. Even the bears have enough sense to do that...

Ok, done ranting now. Gonna go and look at my Florida/Bahamas pics from a few months ago and dream...

Ridiculous Hours

2007-11-21T00:58:00.000-06:00

Sorry blog-world, I just haven't had much time to write anything.

I'm keeping up this really crazy schedule for a 5 weeks, where I teach from 9 to 4 (wherein I actually have to be there at 8:30, and leave by around 4:30, so it's really 8 hours), then on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I teach the day, then a 6 to 9 evening course. Soooo, twice a week I am there teaching, as in, presenting, as in, that shit takes a lot out of you, 12 hours a day. Those of you who have ever given a lecture or presentation, while trying to make it entertaining, can imagine what it's like to do that for 9 hours in one day (after several breaks I get in a day). I could hardly speak some nights near the end.

After I'm done teaching, I might spend an hour or 2 with the GF, then go to work on my computer some more to try and get caught up with all the assignment and project marking.

I'm soooo tired.

Helping Save the Planet

2007-10-31T17:28:00.000-05:00

I'm beat.

Thought I would try to bike to my teaching gig today, doing my part to save the planet. One less car on the road. Going green.

Ok... My goals were not altogether altruistic. I actually wanted to save on paying 10 bucks for parking for the day. Yesterday, I taught from 9 to 9, and parking was $15. No more of that shite... I think I may turn into a bus monkey for the next month I teach. I don't want to be one of those crazies who bikes with snow on the ground. It was cold enough doing it this morning, with freezing rain pelting away at my face...

This city can be so weird. It was dry and not too cold (although somewhat overcast) in my end of the city, but by the time I hit downtown which is only 6.8km away, the weather turned nasty. It was not too bad on the way home though. Maybe a bit chilly.

Winter's coming. That sucks. I hate winter. Why can't those of us who live in these climates just hibernate through it like the bears? That would be nice.

What Have You Done With Your Life?

2007-10-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

I've been a Facebook whore lately. I actually find it very entertaining... Not so much for all the stupid applications that people keep adding, but mostly for the status updates. I can go on to Facebook and see what everyone's up to at a glance. Short, concise, little bits of news about each person on my list. I like that better than anything. It saves having to ask "So what's new with you?", then having to spend a long time catching up. It's short, it's easy, it's impersonal, it's.... Modern. Sad, isn't it?

Anyway, this whole Facebook thing has put me into contact with a lot of people I went to high school with (and subsequently got drunk a lot with after high school), and they're all getting older. At my age, it's not so much that some of my friends are all settling down and having kids, some of that them been doing that for 2 decades. They've ALL. GOT. KIDS. So very strange. I don't have kids. I still feel 21. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, to tie in "Facebook" and "Kids" (what a segue ladies and gentlemen! Thanks, I'm here all week!), they have these "Question" things on Facebook. I love answering them, they're my second favourite thing next to the status updates. One of the questions from one of the high school people was something like "What's the greatest thing you've done with your life?"

I was not surprised at what most of them put down.

Their kids.

Now, I don't want to rag on parenthood or anything, and I realize that it's a lot of hard work, and involves great sacrifice, but seriously. Is that really THAT big of a thing? I know it's an accomplishment, but should it be the DEFINING achievement of your lifetime?

If my sole purpose on this planet is to have kids, kill me now please.

Let's break down what's involved:

You have sex. Oooh, that's soooo hard. Yup, hard work.
You have the kids. Ok, this is a big deal for the mother, and I have ultimate respect for the pain they must go through pushing a basketball sized piece of meat through that thing, but really, the father should get NO points here. Other than having to deal with a hormone crazed woman, his job during this part is pretty easy.
You raise the kids. Again, I know this is a big job, and it takes work to make the kids turn out to be law-abiding productive non-serial killers, but really, everybody does this. It's a big job, but some space-cases have managed to produce genius kids. It does happen. Some really great people have raised assholes. Should raising normal kids be the defining achievement of your life? Perhaps if they win the Nobel Peace Prize, solve world hunger, or shoot George Bush. Other than that, no.
Some day your kids take care of your slobbering ass, and put you away in a home, or you get the ultimate revenge by staying at their house and inviting the rest of the geezers over for a party.

Anyway, my point is that lots of people raise kids. What I found pathetic is all the people for whom this is the defining achievement of their lifetime. What about personal struggles you've overcome? What about mastering a musical instrument? Writing a book? Reading a book? Learning a martial art? Losing a lot of weight and becoming healthy?

Nope. "Raising my wonderful children". Excuse me while I barf.

I wrote something about overcoming my inherent laziness and lack of confidence to become a kickboxer, but I was the only one out of like, 12 who didn't talk about kids.

Of course, it just might be that I'm an extremely selfish bastard, and they are totally selfless.

/rant.

No Time

2007-10-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

I have become very aware that there may not be enough time in my lifespan to do all the things I want to.

I would very much like to learn more about history. It perhaps sounds bland to some, but I think I would really enjoy immersing myself in history. Perhaps taking a History course at University. I tell myself that's something I can do when I'm older, but what if I still need to work then?

I want to read more famous novels. I read a number of them back in school. I don't think I appreciated them much then, but when I think back on books like "Great Expectations", and "Wuthering Heights" among others, I realize now that they did have a great impact on me. I used to really love to read, moreso than watching movies, but these days it just takes up so much time to read. I'd love to read some more classic authors that I've never touched. I tell myself I'll do that when I'm old, but will I still be able to see well enough to read?

I want to learn so many more instruments. I already play a few quite well, but there are so many others I'd love to get into. Even strange instruments like the harp. Harps have always fascinated me. I tell myself I can do that when I'm old, but will my hands be arthritis-free enough to still play well?

I still want to learn more Martial Arts besides kickboxing and Tae Kwon Do. I want to learn Kendo (Japanese sword fighting), Tai Chi (the real deal, not the crap they show old people), Aikido, etc. I tell myself I can do that when I'm older, but I'm already having trouble with my knees.

I want to travel to see more places. I love travelling. There's so much of this planet I haven't seen yet. So much wonder, but alas, who has the time or the funds to travel? It's not only very time-intensive, it's also very expensive. We were in Florida for only a week and a half, and there was so much we didn't get to see for lack of time. I tell myself (like many people probably do) that I can do that when I'm older, but what fun is doing all that traveling when you're too feeble to do things like hike up a pyramid or down the Grand Canyon?

It's kind of sad really.. Most human beings have to work their asses off just to afford to live. You need to keep working to afford that 40-50 year mortgage. You have to work to afford that car. You have to work to eat. We work and work and work till retirement, and then we can't enjoy any of the things we always wanted to do nearly as much as we could when we were young. Sure, you might get a couple weeks off a year to vacation, but it's not a lot really.

They say money can't buy happiness, but I think that's bunk. Money means not having to work, and not having to work means being able to do the things you want, and doing those things generally means happiness.

I see only one possible solution: Win the lottery, or come into a lot of money somehow.

Really, there's so much to do in life. I can't see how any human could possibly be bored. I haven't been bored in years.

blah

2007-10-05T02:15:00.000-05:00

This past month has been a terrible one for working out... What with the move into the new house with the GF, and then with our cross-Canada trip last week, I didn't get much of a chance. That, and when relatives feed you (bless their hearts), they tend to spoil you. Sitting on my ass driving, then eating awesome meals, all add up to a few extra pounds over a short period.

Last night I dragged my sorry butt to the gym and did my arm workout, which is usually my favourite. Today however, I'm paying for it. I was gonna go tonight again, but I thought I should give it another day lest I burn out this early. I really need to be more consistent. Instead, I stayed home on the computer. God... I really need to get into the "groove" again. I'm really worried now that next month's insane teaching schedule is so close by, and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to work out then...

On another note, I'm not so happy with myself these days. I just don't seem to be very productive.. Not only with working at home (I'm so behind), but also with writing music. I just haven't had much creative inspiration to write anything.

Maybe I'm just too happy. It seems only when I'm depressed about something do I get that "driven" state.

Grandma

2007-09-24T10:49:00.000-05:00

We started our cross-country trip on Saturday early morning. The first stop was in Nipawin SK (I know, no-one's ever heard of it..) to see my Grandma. I haven't spoken to her in a while.. It's hard, because sometimes she's so quiet I don't know what to say. This time though, I guess I asked more questions and got her talking more.

It's really pathetic, but lately I sometimes forget that I still have a surviving grandparent*. Up until 4 years ago, I still had 3. My other Grandma passed away in 1997, which was a complete shock because she was the youngest, and I expected her to be around the longest. She was only 77. Then in 2003, both of my Grandpa's passed away within 4 months of each other. One was 89, the other was 100.

Grandma (the one I just saw) and Grandpa got married when she was 18 and he was 30 (or maybe even 17 and 29, I'm not sure). She was with him for 70 years, and it's pretty obvious she's kind of lonely now. She still seems to get around and do a lot, and she's very mobile and completely "with it", even at 93. So was Grandpa for that matter. Always sharp as a tack.

At one point, we went into her building the back way, and there was a flight of stairs. My Grandma bounded up those stairs almost better than I could a few months back...

I'm quite sure now that people in my family don't age the same as other people. I'm most likely going to hit 100. Hopefully I'll still be cute at that age.

Just before leaving town, I stopped in to see my Grandpa's grave, and my Grandma's name is right beside his on the stone. That kind of creeped me out. That and his stone struck me as kind of lonely... No flowers or anything around it. Maybe it makes Grandma too sad to go there.

*Just to clarify, my family history involves a very distant relationship with my birth father. Therefore, the only time I got to see my grandparents was if I made the trip myself to see them. My Dad just never calls me for some reason. I know it's not right that I haven't seen my grandparents often enough, but they lived a long way away. I'm going to try to make an attempt to call my grandma more often, while she's still here.

25 Skills?

2007-09-19T01:06:00.000-05:00

I saw this list here, after reading Betty Boob's latest post.

I thought I would publicly copy the list and see how I measured up:

25 skills every man should know

1. Patch a radiator hose - Yep.
2. Protect your computer - Absolutely.
3. Rescue a boater who as capsized - Well, I might drown.. I'm a shity swimmer, but I'd do my best..
4. Frame a wall - Huh? (that would probably be a "no", but I could learn...)
5. Retouch digital photos - Sheee-it.. I TEACH that...
6. Back up a trailer - Yep.
7. Build a campfire - Yep, maybe not from 2 sticks, but gimme a match, kindling, and a good log, and I'll light your fire baby...
8. Fix a dead outlet - Been there, done that.
9. Navigate with a map and compass - Yep
10. Use a torque wrench - All the time. I don't work on a car without one.
11. Sharpen a knife - Yep
12. Perform CPR - Sadly, no.
13. Fillet a fish - Yuck. I know how, but choose not to.
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid - Absolutely.
15. Get a car unstuck - Usually.
16. Back up data - Always.
17. Paint a room - Could, but shouldn't :P
18. Mix concrete - Hmmm. never did it, but I could learn..
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle - Done it.
20. Change oil and filter - Done it.
21. Hook up an HDTV - Yep
22. Bleed brakes - Yep
23. Paddle a canoe - Absolutely
24. Fix a bike flat - Did that as a kid...
25. Extend your wireless network - Haha... Of course.

So, it turns out I know most of these, but I fall flat on 3 of them. Cool.. I'm going to go beat my chest and yell at the moon now.

Zeitgeist

2007-09-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

I just saw something that is probably the most frightening movie I've ever seen. More frightening than any horror movie, this one purportedly represents the truth.

Some of the move talks about content I've read elsewhere, but some of it was new to me, and they way they bring everything together in the end makes frightening sense.

I'm not sure I believe 100% of it, but I personally believe it would be difficult for any intelligent person to disbelieve all of it.

Watch it. That's all. It'll be worth it.

http://zeitgeistmovie.com/

My Ever Changing Body

2007-09-17T14:35:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is with me. I never seem to be able to get those awesome abdominal muscles that all the dudes on 300 (who are all well over 30) have. That movie contained what must have been a record for the most abs ever presented on one screen since Trailer Park Boys.

Anyway, back to me.

Up until 28, I was always a soft blob of out-of-shape (wait, round is a shape isn't it) man. I was especially allergic to any kind of exercise. I think this was a result of going to school with a bunch of super athletes, which made me not want to put any effort in to things like track and field. Plus, cardio hurt and made me cough.

Then, in 1996, something changed me drastically. I won't bother writing about it again, because I already did.

By 1998, I was running 5 miles several times a week, running 140 floors of stairs, and jumping rope for 1/2 hour straight. I did a bit of weights, but it was mostly martial arts and extreme cardio, mixed with a heaping helping of depression and a poverty diet. I was quite lean, down to 177 pounds at one point. I levelled out at 185 and stayed there for a few years.

Despite my obvious bad form in this pic, this represents me at that "lean" stage, circa 1997-98.

As I kept up with the cardio and kickboxing, I levelled off the extreme stuff a bit and started gaining a bit of weight. Since I wasn't doing weights then, I didn't have much in the muscle department for my arms. My LEGS however, were a different story. All that kicking gave me tree trunks for legs.

I know this picture is utterly embarrassing, but it shows my legs as they looked in 1999, around Halloween (obviously). The arms and legs look like they belong to different people. I was around 195 pounds or so. Still in excellent cardiovascular health.

Then came knee surgeries and yo-yo weight gain due to sporadic inactivity. I eventually took up doing things in the gym, especially after the kickboxing classes stopped. Now, I was all upper body, finally having arms I liked. However, my knee problems prevented me from doing the amount of cardio that I really wanted to do. This picture represents that brief moment and in time that I was in that kind of shape, 2 years ago, before knee surgery #3 and spending too much time with current girlfriend started me on a decline to the 240 pounds I am now. In this pic, I'm about 215-20 pounds. I never intended for anyone to ever see this, I took it for my own documentation only. I can't believe I'm posting it, but I wanted a record of my changing body type.

It's not so easy to take a good picture of oneself in the mirror using a large SLR digital camera. I take no responsibility for any eyestrain caused by my fishbelly-white belly. Damn that doctor for messing up my appendix stitches at 5 and ruining my chances as an ab model (or not).

Anyway, as you can see, no abs. I came close several times, but no abs. I think what I really need is a balance of proper food, a reasonable amount of cardio, and the weight routine together and I might be able to do it. So,

Lots and lots of cardio = Skinny guy with no abs.
Lots of kicking, less cardio and no weights = Guy with tree trunk legs, but no abs.
Lots of weights with little cardio = Heavier guy with good arms, but still no abs.

These last 10 years have been an interesting ride, but at least I've always been healthy. (My cardio sucks right now and I'm a little out of shape, but at least most people never guess that I weigh 240). Another thing I should mention is that I've always done intense ab routines as part of my kickboxing thing. I should have had abs, dammit!

It was watching that 300 movie on my 50 inch plasma that made me realize I wanted to look like that. I don't think it's too late either, it just gets harder as you get older. Maybe I need to plaster that picture on my fridge to perhaps make me eat better and get my ass to the gym.

Ow

2007-09-14T03:28:00.000-05:00

Went back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks tonight. I had to go all the way across town to my old gym, because the new ones in this end don't have that lovely leg machine that does everything above the knee. I can't do leg presses anymore, my knee would severely punish me. I need that machine, so I trekked far away to use it. Besides, I like to see the familiar faces.

The GF is having people over on Saturday for a house-warming thing. Personally, I hate having people over to my place. Too many and it feels like an invasion of my privacy. Maybe I just feel that way because in the small northern town I grew up in, having a party meant 100 people (literally) showing up at your door, and your place getting trashed. I know. I was at a lot of those sorts of parties.

Religion

2007-08-27T16:36:00.000-05:00

'nuff said.

Who Dat?

2007-08-10T11:32:00.001-05:00

The dinosaur is away on vacation. The real me will have to suffice for a while.

Plasmalicious

2007-08-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if this is blog-worthy or not, but what the hell...

Tomorrow, I'm finally joining the flat-panel tv world. I'm getting a very large (50 inches) plasma. Truth is, I don't really watch a lot of regular TV, except when I'm with the girlfriend. However, I really do like watching movies. I'm going to enjoy watching them on this beast. I'm also springing for HDTV (got a great package from Shaw cable: HDTV, home-office Internet, and shaw phone with unlimited long distance) with a PVR (personal video recorder) box. I'll be able to "pause live tv", and record up to something like 120 hours of TV. Nice.

I just hope I don't watch too much crap on TV now. I think I'll be sticking mostly to Discovery HD anyway.

The new telly is coming tomorrow, but I don't get cable hooked up until the 14th.

Whoo hoo!

(Oh yeah, the new house is nice too)

Hot, Hot, Heat

2007-07-26T16:59:00.000-05:00

I don't know how some people do it. Handle the heat that is.

It's very, very hot this week. Most people have air conditioning I guess, but then again, so do I.

Problem is, my air conditioning sucks hot ass. My last one seemed to be diminishing in performance, so I had it replaced. Problem is, the cheap-ass property owners replaced it with an even older one, and it's not cooling this place off adequately. I'm stuck in front of a hot computer, and when I start doing things like video rendering, it gets even hotter. I have the same fans I've had for 10 years that are still working fine and still moving the cooler air from my living room into the hallway and my office, but that air conditioner just isn't pulling its weight.

What gets me, is that we're complaining over here because of heat in the mid 30's. In US terms, that's "the 90's". Lots of places in the world get into the "100's". How the hell do these people manage to live like that?

I taught a group of Saudi students earlier this year, and they were telling me just how hot it gets over there, and I can't fathom it. How do people stand to live in that kind of sweltering heat day in and day out? We only get this during the summer.

1 more week, and I'm in a bigger house with central air. I can hardly wait. So many things will be better then.

No Jog

2007-07-10T02:29:00.000-05:00

Just in case anyone's reading (and I'm pretty sure no-one is), I won't be jogging anymore.

I'm not 100% sure that it's the cause, but the Thursday after my Monday run found me with awful "crunching" sensations in my knee after doing nothing more than saying goodnight to my girlfriend before trying to go to the gym.

I tried to work it out. I figured it was just some free-floating stuff in there that would go elsewhere if I just moved it around a little. I decided to go to the gym anyway, because I was doing upper body stuff, and a little time on the stationary bike always made me feel better. It took me forever to get from the front door to the change rooms. I could barely walk at all. My brilliant "bike" idea left me hugely swollen and in even greater pain.

I spent much of last week elevated and iced, waiting for it to feel better.

It seems like whenever I run, things like this happen. Therefore, the setbacks incurred by running far outweigh the benefits of my run.

This makes me really damn sad though, because I have to say I really enjoy running. Really I do. I'd much rather be outside pounding pavement in the fresh air than going nowhere on an elliptical watching close captioned CNN at the gym :( However, I must face facts and realize that it's better to be able to do things like walk a block to the store.

I guess it's back to back to the bike and elliptical.

Jog

2007-06-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

I'm in a bit of disbelief.

I just went for a run.

If you've got oodles and oodles of free time with nothing better to waste it on, you could read back into the archives of this blog and find out about all my knee problems over the last few years, but since no-one has that kind of time, I'll just mention that I have had serious knee problems for the last 4-5 years. I had ACL reconstruction surgery in Feb. 2004, and have still been having problems ever since.

One of the things I haven't been able to do in a long time is jog. I did little bits here and there on the treadmill at the gym, but I usually had pain.

Just last month, when in Florida, my knee was swollen up to grapefruit proportions, and I was having trouble getting around, which I did anyway despite the pain.

Since my knee has been better for the last few weeks, I thought I'd give it a shot this morning. I still have my very expensive and little-used New Balances, so I hit the pavement this morning. That, and I saw that Rocky Balboa movie last night which made me want to get off my fattening ass and get back into prime shape.

Also, at the mall yesterday I kept seeing myself in the many mirrors, and didn't like what I saw.

Anyway, I just ran/walked 2 1/2 miles.

I had no expectations of being able to run the entire way, so I'm not upset that I couldn't. I just walked intermittently. What I WAS expecting was knee pain, and lots of it. There was a bit of discomfort here and there at certain times, but it came and went. I'm back home now, and there's no swelling, no pain, and I feel great.

I'm going to keep trying this a few times a week and see if I can get back to running the entire 2.5 miles. I used to run a complete 5 1/2 miles 3 times a week when I was in top shape. Back then, I would jog and do the odd windsprint (30 to 60 seconds of full out running) to break things up.

Funny thing is, I got really drunk just over a week ago, and while in sandals, did a few sprints/jobs to catch up to my girlfriend and company while we walked all over town at the beach while looking for some other elusive friends. I expected to be sore the next day after that, but wasn't. That's what started me thinking I might be able to run again on a regular basis.

I'm tired of taking the elevator at school, and tired of looking muscular, but overweight.

Here is what I'm going to try to work up to over the next few weeks:

Before Breakfast:

3 days a week - Run/walk 2.5 miles. (start off with 2 this week and work up)
2 days a week - 40 minute bike ride hard. (Wear pulse monitor and keep heartrate over 130)

At night: 5 days a week in the gym doing my regular routine, but only warm-up cardio on the bike, or ride to the gym if weather permits.

I know 2 workouts a day might be overkill since I have been kind of lazy lately, but I think that's how I need to do it. Hard or nothing. Just like training for a fight.

I'll take Saturdays and Sundays off unless I need a make-up day.

All this will work up to doing longer gym workouts, combining body parts, and only 3 days a week, then doing 2-3 days a week of full out martial arts training once I get a basement to make noise in. This can start in August.

Running is good for me, because I can do it anywhere. There's never an excuse not to do it. All I really need is my running shoes and suitable clothing.

There. Now that it's in writing, maybe I'll stick to it.

Edit: Knee's fucked again since Thursday. I think jogging's out.

Paris (This ain't the) Hilton

2007-06-25T00:59:00.000-05:00

I wonder...

Should I feel a small amount of guilt for being simultaneously amused and delighted that Paris Hilton was sent to Jail?

I know I'm a little late on this one, people have probably blogged this one to death already. But no-one reads this blog anyway. BWAHAHAHAH!!!

Part of me tried -really it did- to feel guilty for Paris. After all, she's hawt, and if you've seen that video, you know she does possess at least one noteable talent.

I know that it's wrong to take pleasure in the misery of others, but she brought it on herself.

I firmly believe she thought she was going to get away without doing time. That's why she was so calm about it. I thought something was up with that. She went to the awards show the night before, not seeming too worried.

It wasn't until her second appearance at court that she started acting like you'd think someone of her status normally would act upon being thrown in the slammer. She screamed, cried, freaked out.. etc.

1st appearance: Calm relaxed.

2nd appearance: Freaking out.

You do the math. She KNEW the first time that she was going to get house arrest. I'm sure that someone had told her (or her lawyers) that there was no way she'd do time. It's the only thing that can explain her previous calm demeanor.

Now, if I thought *I* could get a house arrest in a posh Hollywood mansion for doing something criminal, I'd be all over that shit. Hell, if I robbed a bank, maybe they'd give me 10 years in said mansion.

In any event, I lied before. I did feel sorry for her, although I admit I hated her before. It's just that she's a cute chick, and I have a really nasty weakness for cute chicks. Especially when they start crying. I hate that.

We can only hope that now she will be "reformed" and pursue her true talents. Then she might appear in movies such as "Paris Does Hollywood".

Whatever.

Shacking Up

2007-06-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

I haven't had too much to say lately, and I'm afraid that any of the few people that I ever had commenting here have probably moved on... I don't blame them.

I've been rather busy lately with work related things, so I just haven't had the drive to blog like I used to. These days, it's more of a diary thing than a therapeutic thing.

Back 2 years ago, I was very messed up emotionally, and I badly needed an outlet of some sort. Blogging was tremendously helpful to me (hence my blog's title) at the time. Now, I'm relatively happy and there's no drama in my life. Money is good. Sex is good. My girlfriend doesn't drive me crazy.

Ah.. right.. the girlfriend. This was the original reason for my post: I'm "shacking up".

That's right. Biting the bullet. Moving in with a chick.

My last experience with this was not so stellar.

However, it's been over a year and a half with her, and there has been no sign at all of anything worrysome. She's about as even-keeled as I am, possibly more. We're so comfortable at this point that we could probably talk about the day's events while doing the horizontal mambo (although I should point out that this wouldn't be the preferred method of doing the wild thang).

It's been a hard decision for me to make. I agonized over it quite a bit. I've been happy here in my "cave" as she calls it. I've been in this apartment by myself for 7 years, and in this building for 12 years. It's my place. My own private castle. But if I think back to 2 years ago, it was a very lonely place sometimes.

Lately though, it hasn't been really mine anymore anyway. Her stuff is all over. There are signs of a resident female all over my bathroom, living room and bedroom. The only place still completely mine is this office (the other bedroom). She's not allowed to put anything in here. Bwahahaha. Anyway, it's not really mine because she lives here. I'd be making her help with rent, but I don't have any room for her stuff so I would feel bad about making her pay. We're pretty much living together anyway, although in a place where there's not really enough room for both of us.

Truth is, I like having her around. How can you not love someone who, when I asked what she was thinking about because she was really quiet, replied with a smile,

"I'm not thinking about anything. If I was a cartoon, there'd be a big blank bubble over my head right now."

She's very intelligent, and can verbally spar with me on lots of different topics. She gives me shit, as she should, when I leave crap lying around the place. She's quick with the one-liners, and can put most of my wise-ass friend in their places.

I guess, for the most part, she's what I've been looking for. Sometimes I have second thoughts about everything, but it's usually when I see a gorgeous chick on TV (or in real life), or when I long for a bit of the female drama (God knows why..) that I am so used to. Just once it would be nice to see her get a little emotional about something. That and she's not the skinny, Jessica Alba lookalike that I somehow thought I'd end up with (though I think she's cute).

A couple of nights before we signed our lease, when I was having severe doubts about leaving my little sanctuary, we were talking about it. She was a little upset that I was having doubts about moving out of here and in with her. She said it probably wasn't a good idea to move in if I wasn't 100% sure of doing it.

Right at that minute, almost as if on cue, the fucking fire alarm went off again in the building. Whenever it goes off, it's like World War 3, and it sounds like a thousand cats being run over. A
bloody awful sound. I started methodically running around getting the important stuff together in order to leave the apartment (files backed up onto an external drive, laptop, guitar). It turned out to be another false alarm (turned out someone pulled the alarm), but there have been more and more of these lately as my area is turning into a slum. The last big alarm actually WAS a fire a few months back, and my place smelled like smoke for a week.

I took that whole event, especially the spooky timing of it, to be a sign. I needed a sign at that moment of indecision and doubt.

We found a great place, 3 bedrooms with a basement, central air, 7 years old, lots of room. I'll be paying less than I do here, with basically the same living arrangement. The only difference is I can't kick her out now ;)

Yeah, it's all good.

Song

2007-05-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, I had a thought. If I get eaten by a 'gator while I'm in Florida or something, it would be cool if this was up somewhere (semi)public.

I don't know if I have any readers anymore, as my sparse blogging has probably driven everyone away. But if you can, listen to it and comment on it please. There's a story behind it as well, but that's for another day.

I wrote it 2 years ago, but just recently added some drums and bass.

http://www.brentscott.com/ring.mp3

Florida

2007-05-05T00:03:00.000-05:00

I'm off to (hopefully) sunny Florida tomorrow. We're driving to Minneapolis, then flying to Miami. We have a hotel right on the beach, and we're renting a Sebring convertible. Gonna drive out to Key West, then see the Space Center (The space-geek in me is positively giddy). Oh, and a day cruise to the Bahamas as well. I don't think I've ever done a vacation like this before. Actually, I could never afford it before.

Maybe I'll get to see a 'gator...

Writing

2007-04-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

I've been getting the bug again. The last tune I completed was summer 2005. Since I got a new bass last week, I've been putting REAL bass tracks to some of the older stuff.

The last one I did has only been heard by a few select people. Guys don't seem to go crazy over it, but girls that I've given it to (the song that is), really seem to like it. I'm pondering the idea of posting it up somewhere on the WWW, but I'm still not quite sure if I should do that. This blog might be a good place, considering no-one ever comes here :P

We'll see.

My Humps

2007-04-06T10:53:00.000-05:00

Alanis is just the coolest. I always knew it.

My Humps

It's really funny how all the stupid people just don't get it.

Where Has It Gone?

2007-03-29T12:21:00.000-05:00

I'm a shadow of my former physical self.

1996: I had been beaten up by a bunch of thugs for something I didn't do. I was scared, my confidence was crushed, and any scraps of bravado I might have previously clung to were gone.

Lenny later told me that when I walked through his door, I was the sorriest looking individual he'd ever taught. He thought, "Now there's a challenge". Fortunately, he liked a good challenge.

He started me off slowly at first.

I had been the quintessential "out-of-shape guy". I even failed phys-ed at one point. I could never do anything physical very well, and I lacked anything that resembled co-ordination or balance. I could do quite well with anything musical, but the rest of my body? Uh-uh. I had no balance, no flexibility, no strength. These are the things a fighter depends on.

I found after a couple of months though, that I was doing something I never in my wildest dreams thought I could do. I was becoming a fighter. I was becoming something that was the opposite of what I had been all my life.

It awakened some kind of fire in me. I was absolutely driven. I started running. As someone who has fought with his weight most of his life, I had tried running, even weight-lifting before, but I could never keep it up. I had no drive. This time though, now that I had a trainer to answer to, I had a goal: To NOT get yelled at. I started with shorter runs, and within a year was doing 5 and 1/2 miles 3 times a week, with lots of wind sprints. I needed as much cardio ability as possible to keep up with the grueling martial arts lessons.

People who had known me before were not very supportive. I think people around you get threatened when you start to improve yourself. Some people ended up being almost hostile about it, telling me there was no way I could ever become a martial artist, even calling me out to fight a few times. This drove me even more. I should have thanked them.

I started doing weights again too, but mostly because Lenny said I lost too much weight. I had lost 40 pounds in half a year. I needed to put some back on. I was 175 pounds, but a VERY healthy 175. I maintained a nice healthy 185-190 for a number of years after that.

I would push myself. Harder than I had ever done before, fighting through pain, fighting through any hesitations I would have. I would do anything my trainer told me to do. I would run whether it was raining (I actually LOVED running in the rain), snowing, whatever. The only time I would stop was if it was dangerous (ie: slippery), and I could get injured, which was unacceptable because it would prevent me from training.

I had a morning cardio session 6 days a week. I would run three of those days, and the other three, I would run, yes run, 120 flights of stairs (up and down 1 floor 40 times, up and down 7 floors 6 times, then 1 floor again 38 times) on the off days. Later on I took up jump rope, which I would usually do for 20 -30 minutes without stopping. Everywhere I would go with the band, I would run. I ran in Atlanta, I ran up a mountain in Banff, I ran wherever I could. I loved it.

Besides that, there was the fighter training. 1 and 1/2 to 2 hours 3 times a week. Hard training. He brought me into shape slowly. I didn't even realize that I had become a fighter until he started telling me. Hundreds of kicks. Hundreds of punches. Many many rounds of fighting. Stopping only long enough to catch a breath now and again.

I never questioned Lenny's orders. One time, he told me about how martial artists conditioned their feet by running barefoot in the snow. He told me his teacher made him do it, and I would have to do it too. He wanted me to run to the store (about a mile away) and get him some rock salt for the sidewalk. I had to do it in my bare feet. Since I hadn't done it before, he said I could go in my socks this time.

Out the door I went.

Of course, he was just kidding around, but the phone had rung just as he finished telling me the story, and he had to take the call. I was halfway down the block before he yelled at me to come back.

He later said I had proved once and for all beyond any doubt my dedication to the training.

Those first few years I felt like a superhero. I could do anything. My balance was like a cat's. I could run on a curb. I could jump over anything. I could balance on one foot on a pole on the side of a cliff (which absolutely freaked out my Grandpa). I ran up hills for fun. It felt great. My body could do all kinds of new things. I had become what I thought I could never be: a fighter. A real one. An athlete.

Then I hurt my knee in 2000.

I was sparring with one of the students, just boxing no less. I had stepped back to avoid a punch and I heard a "pop" and some excruciating pain. It started swelling in minutes. I went to a knee surgeon, who did a "scope" and told me it was a partial ACL tear, but that I didn't need any more surgery. My later surgeon told me the first guy was very wrong. I should have had the major surgery long before. I didn't end up getting that surgery until Feb of '04, by which time more damage had been done.

I think that was the beginning of the end for me. My once bulletproof body could no longer be trusted. My knee would go sideways when I least expected it, and would then swell up for weeks, making me a cripple. I never knew what I would do next to piss it off. I once had to get carried out of a paintball game because my knee had locked up and I couldn't move. It used to lock up on me while in my car, and I would have to lower myself to the pavement and unlock my knee sitting in a parking lot. People must have thought I was crazy.

So what about today? My surgeon says my knee is fine now, and I should be able to do anything I want, but I just can't trust it. It hurts now sometimes, but it seems like it's worse when I DON'T work out.

I really want to get back into that shape I was in before. I've been in and out of shape since then, focusing more lately on muscles and upper-body strength than the crazy cardio I used to do. A year and a half ago I was in superb shape, although not as much so with cardio, mostly muscle. I was bigger of course, but that was because I had built up some bulk.

This time, it's not the knee that's sidelined me, it's the work. I was too busy to work out for all of 2007, and got right out of the habit. I've been meaning to go to the gym almost every night, but find some sort of excuse not to go. This is what used to happen to me before the training.

I had managed to stay in pretty good shape while still training kickboxers, and then later on by going to the gym regularly (which is much easier when you're single), but I just realized what my problem is.

I have no drive. No fire.

I need that drive which would force me out of the house, not matter what the weather, to run, skip, stairclimb, whatever I could do to torture myself and love it.

I need to get that back somehow.

I'm not happy with where I'm at. I'm too... "comfortable". That won't do. How do I get the drive back? There's no girl I'm mad at, no doubters to prove something to, no thugs threatening me. How do I get it back?

This is the hardest battle the fighter ever has to face I think. The battle against himself.

I think I'm losing.

Bandless and Dennis Quaid

2007-03-22T01:06:00.000-05:00

This just kinda hit me today as I was briefly IM'ing with a friend.

I'm band-less.

For the first time in well over 12 years. I've had my Sunday gig for over 12 years, but that ended in January (I'm devoting a blog to that one). My band for the past year has broken up due to the fact that our drummer is going to be touring with his oh-s0-famous country band (they really are), and my other guitar player/singer, is going to be the road manager. Good for them. But where does that leave me? Stranded I guess. My once-or-twice-a-year funk band doesn't count. I guess if I put some effort into it, I could land my own 3 piece a gig whenever I wanted, but I just have this kind of "empty" feeling. It sucks. I'm not really worried financially, because I have enough other work to keep me going, but I'm going to miss playing every week to hordes of beautiful people.

Oh. Dennis Quaid. Right.

While gigging (our last one) with the band last Saturday, I saw this familiar looking guy in the crowd. I thought "gee, that guy looks like Dennis Quaid." Then I realized, "Oh right... he's in town shooting a movie, and has become a regular at this bar."

Next thing I know, he's up on stage beside me (let himself up), and he's singing "Mony Mony" in my mic with me, kinda spitting on me a bit. At first, I was a little annoyed as I always am when people share my mic (I'm normally not fond of that), but then I thought "Holy Shit! Dennis Quaid is spitting on me!" When I told my Mom about this the next day, she said "So you have Dennis Quaid's DNA on you?" (I love my Mom)

After the song was done, Dennis asked if he could do a song with us, asking if we knew any CCR. Of course I knew CCR. I'm a human fucking jukebox of popular music. I launched into "Bad Moon Rising", and Mr. Quaid sang it. Funny thing is, he kept looking at me during the whole song. I thought perhaps I wasn't playing it properly, when he came over to me and said "What's the next verse?" I told him. He rushed back over to his mic and sang it, looking at me for assurance while singing, all the while laughing while fucking up the words.

At that point, I realized that this guy was definitely not some high-and-mighty movie star, but a pretty down to earth dude. I guess he'd have to be pretty humble considering he was dancing up a storm in front of us for most of that set. Many famous people hide in the back of the bar surrounded by their posse.

Next song, he played something we didn't know, but we followed along anyway, because we're pros. He nodded me in for a solo, and then came over (through a large crowd of dancing girls on stage as per usual) and "rocked out" with me. Mr. Quaid was kinda impressed with me I gather. He shook my hand after, and then found me when our set was done.

He talked to me for a bit and said "You're a great player". And asked if we were going to play some more. I said we were done for the night.

I played the "Mr. Cool" think like I always do, and didn't say too much. I wished I had a damn camera though, because there are so many celebs I've met when I didn't have one. I could've had a great pic with Mr. Quaid seeing as he was kind of a fan that night.

Oh well. At least I have another famous person story. I like those so much better when I'm not some ordinary guy trying to talk to the famous person, but when the famous person is trying to talk to me. That's cool.

Now I just wish I had a band again. Talk about going out on a high note.

I Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

2007-03-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

I know... There's no excuse is there?

I just saw a comment from my favourite blogger that made me think about my poor neglected blog.

Truth is, it sounds like a really lame excuse, but I really have been ridiculously busy over the last 3 months. Honest. I haven't had much time to do things like keep up my blog, so it's often faster and easier to just comment on other blogs instead. I really do have a list of things I wanted to blog about, but I've been consistently behind in work and struggling to get caught up. I'm really surprised I'm not more stressed out. One bad thing about all this work is the effect it's had on my health. I've gotten a bit larger in the last 2 months. It's scary how fast I gain weight when I'm not working out.

Here's a quick summary:

I've been teaching like crazy. Too much in fact. I'm getting some more lucrative contracts coming my way, and teaching, which was previously the best paying thing I did, is now taking up too much of my time. I won't stop doing it though, it keeps my skills up, and I enjoy it most of the time. It's the fucking marking that I hate. I love presenting in front of a class all day, although doing 9 hours of it (over 12) in one day makes me feel like I've been run over by a truck.

I finished a major project for a major university faculty (actually 2 faculties.. 1 was an update to an earlier project), a promotional CDROM* with lots of video and a really snazzy interface. It was a complete 1 man job. I shot the video, edited the video, compressed the video, did the Flash authoring for the interface, took care of the duplication, created the print graphics for the CD sleeve and disc label, etc. etc. I was rewarded handsomely for my efforts, which was supposed to buy me a 42" LCD TV. Instead it paid off my student loan. :P

*These CDROMs seem to be my ticket. A lot of people have seen the last one I did, and they want it for their company/faculty/organization. My skillset seems to be uniquely suited for creating these things.

I assumed that after my Feb 1 deadlines, I would have more time. However, teaching picked up again in February, and more large contracts were thrown my way, along with a shwack of small ones. Then people get annoyed that I can't finish their site update in a day or 2, and I'm annoyed because I'm putting in 17-18 hour days to try to get caught up. AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!

Gigging was (thankfully) non-existent in January. My longtime (12+ years) Sunday gig was terminated, which didn't really bother me too much because the place was going to the dumps. This topic deserves a whole blog though. I will expand on this shortly.

The girlfriend has been good, about as even-keeled as ever, although things just seem kind of "blah" sometimes. Maybe I miss the old emotional trauma I'm used to. Sex is great, we rarely fight... Maybe this is just what "happy and content" feels like. I dunno. I feel like I'm not very creative if someone's not ripping my heart out and shoving it up my ass.

I managed to get her hooked on Battlestar Galactica (no, not the lame old show), the watching of which comprises most of the time I can spare for her lately.

I really need to start blogging here again. I think it would be very good for me to get the creative juices going again, and once the work craziness stops, I want to resume writing all the music ideas I've been stockpiling.

I also REALLY, REALLY need to get back into the gym. It's been about a month since I last went, and my knee is really bothering me now. It does this when my legs get weak. I worry about what life will be like in old age (and if the much younger GF was in the room, she'd say "WILL be like?").

That's all for now. I do solemnly swear I will make an effort to blog more. I have some interesting stuff I want to get off my chest too.

Not Dead.. Yet...

2007-01-23T23:12:00.000-06:00

Working. Too. Hard.

Need. Break.

Working all through January... 18 hour days.

Will blog again when finished.

If this keeps up, I'm going to need staff. It's getting to be too much for one guy.

Spiders on Drugs

2007-01-03T12:47:00.000-06:00

I really should be working, but I just came across this video this morning. Very interesting.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8efcc0f08d

6 Weird Things About Me

2006-12-11T22:46:00.000-06:00

Tagged by N.V.

Rulez:

1. Each player of this game starts with the Â6 weird things about youÂ.

2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly.

3. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. DonÂt forget to leave a comment that says Âyou are taggedÂ in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

I have to start the day with milk and cereal. I've been this way since I was knee high to a nose hair. Even if my day starts in the afternoon, I have to start with either cereal, or my second choice: Eggs (omellete, fried, french toast, etc.). People who can eat lunch-type food for breakfast freak me out.
I can't stand anything close to my nose. I get freaked out if certain things are near my nose. My ExGF used to get a sick thrill out of pointing the straw in my glass towards my nose. It made me twitch and wrinkle it like crazy. I also cannot stand to have any nose hairs. I pluck them quite regularly, as they can keep me awake at night.
I like attention paid to my feet. Foot massages, toe licking (if they're clean), light touching, etc, have been known to make me squeal with glee.
I think a lot of people are like this: I don't like to use a public restroom to go Number 2 unless it's really an emergency (this also goes for other people's bathrooms. I actually had a childhood fear of plugging someone's toilet). Partially because of the usual sanitary concerns, but mostly I can't stand other people smelling the evidence of my fecal activities. Actually, this brings me to number 5.
Smells. I have a thing about smells. Especially people smells. If I look like I'm squirming and extremely uncomfortable while you're talking to me, it probably means your breath stinks. I can't talk to you if your breath stinks. I might offer you a gum, of which I always carry an abundant supply, because I live in fear of my own breath stinking. Confession: Sometimes I fart when on stage in a packed bar, because it's loud and no-one will hear me. Also, everyone will think it's everyone else. Hey... it can be really hard to belt out that high note when you're full of gas.
I can't wear 2 different socks. All my socks have to be matching pairs. Even if I know that no-one will see them that day, they have to be the same.

There ya go. Six weird things about me. Creepy ain't I?

Now on to the tagz:

Erin (who never comments on my blog anyway)
My Sis (who resides in *cough cough* myspace)
Stacey
Stepholicious
Hez
Grrl_05 (who also resides in myspace)

Bloody Weather

2006-12-01T10:28:00.000-06:00

Is this not depressing as hell? No relief in sight.

Busy...

2006-11-23T23:45:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how busy I am this week.

I'm filming video for another recruitment CDROM, this time for the U of M's Faculty of Science. (I did one 2 years ago for the Faculty of Human Ecology.) For one thing, Science is a hell of a lot bigger than Human Ecology. It's going to be a much bigger project.

We rented the camera and lighting equipment for 10 days, so we need to do as much shooting as possible in that span of time.

I'm so worn down it's not funny. I've been shooting all day, which involves a hell of a lot of walking around campus carrying camera gear, then coming home and doing more work. To top it off, I'm still having to teach several evenings a week, gigging several nights a week, and busy with other Web work. I'm glad this is all over by Tuesday. I don't even really get a break this weekend, because I have to head out of town for a gig, and I'm going over the video content while out there.

Aaaargh.

Not a very interesting blog, I know. I've had some great rants rolling around in my head, but now I can't remember them. My is on strike.

The icing on the cake this week is that I have a sore foot that I got somehow in Minneapolis 2 weeks ago, and now my problematic knee is acting up at a time when I have to do shitloads of walking.

The pluses though, are that I'm going to be paid well for this, and there happen to be a lot of hotties to ogle at university. Surprisingly enough, lots of them in Science courses.

I have a lot of (hopefully) funny rants rolling around in my head somewhere that need to get out. Check back soon.

Yes, I'm a Chocoholic

2006-11-15T02:41:00.000-06:00

The title says it all.

It's the GF's fault.

Normally, I try to have healthy snacks like almonds lying around the apartment, this way when I get a huge craving like I often do in the afternoon, I grab a handful of those.

But she's gone on these crazy halloween-candy-buying binges for the last few months. She'll buy bags of those little eensy weensy chocolate bars and put them in a big bowl. I don't think she actually eats very many of them, but I on the other hand am another story. I need a quick snack, and what's the quickest and easiest thing to grab? A Kit-kat, Aero, and Caramilk bar. They're little, right? They can't be that bad, right? Right?

I need help. Thank God the bowl is almost empty. I need to lose weight.

Ok, another freaking quiz...

2006-11-02T23:59:00.000-06:00

FACT: You embody the German principle of Konstantzusammenschaft, which is best described in English (without using the obscure English word "sammenschaft") as "eternal togethermanship".

The Loverboy
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMm)

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships--as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

Your exact opposite:
The Billy Goat

Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising her with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise her by leaving.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Window Shopper, The Peach

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Death

2006-11-02T23:31:00.000-06:00

According to the death test, I'm supposed to live to be 87.5 years old.

They split it up into percentages how I'm supposed to die:

WHY YOU DIE?
56% old age
24% car accident
13% loneliness
5% drowning of the lungs
2% wounds

What a pleasant test! :-/
At least they're telling me that the average guy lives to be 72.5 years old.

2006-10-17T01:41:00.000-05:00

I should be asleep. I have to be up in a few hours.

I was once again captivated by a couple of videos I found on YouTube.

In our world of "artificial" singers like Shania Twain, Christina, Britney, Jessica etc. I think that perhaps many people have forgotten (or perhaps not been exposed to) the fact that there were at one point real performers who had only their talent, not autotune or "tracks" to make themselves great.

Here's a vid of Kate Bush, alone with just a piano, singing some really amazing stuff. No autotune, no tracks. Just talent. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=103Rrf5UkkU&mode=related&search=

And this one, again perfectly live:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICS2YHgOWdY&mode=related&search=

What's a Dinosaur To Do?

2006-10-10T04:49:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't blogged about my love life in a long time.

Maybe it's because I'm paranoid. I'm rather scared she'll find this blog, although I've done my best to keep in all secret and stuff.

Anyway, she's asked me to move in with her sometime in the new year.

This prospect has scared the crap out of me folks. For one thing, I'm kind of happy in my own apartment. Yes, she's always here anyway. Yes, she practically lives here. But the thing is, it's still my place. If anything goes wrong, she's the one who has to leave. If we were living in a place together, she has a SAY. I can't say "get out". I don't know... Then again, I can't stay on my own forever can I? Wait. Scratch that. I CAN definitely stay on my own forever. But I don't think I WANT to be one of those old bachelor-types.

So let me clarify. The girlfriend is normally pretty even-keeled. She's more so than any previous girlfriend. She's easy going, relaxed, and doesn't get her panties in a knot too easily. I like being around her. There's none of the "walking on eggshells" that I've experienced with some past relationships. So I should move in with her, it would be perfect wouldn't it?

Well, wouldn't it?

Gahh.. I'm still scared about it. I still have this fear that she's going to turn into some female monster like exes have done in the past. (see posts about Broadzilla) I know I shouldn't put past baggage onto her like that... And I have to remember that she's a psychology major too.. She notices more than I think she does.

That's why she probably noticed my hesitation when she asked me about moving in with her. Now she's saying it might not be a good idea. Guess I screwed that up.

Anyway, I have more to say about this, but I'm tired.

Why Traffic Jams Happen

2006-10-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

The skinny on traffic jams.

I always wondered how they happened. I found this information quite fascinating.

Buying Music Online (A DRM Rant)

2006-10-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

(I'm back from my trip. It was great, and I have a lot of good stories.. accompanied by some great pictures, but I'll get to that later when I have more time)

I get into discussions every so often with people who think that paying $$ for a song from iTunes, (or any of the other online music sellers) is the cat's ass.

The long and short of it:

It's not. (the cat's ass that is) Edit: Why is the cat's ass so great anyway?

Don't do it. It's all a ridiculous way to make more money for people who really don't need it. Don't think you are supporting the artists... For 99% of them, they'd be lucky to make enough money to buy a few packs of guitar strings or a pair of drumsticks.

** This part is copied from a post I left today at one of my favourite forum haunts:

I think of it this way:

If, for example's sake, you went to your local music store and bought a CD, and this CD could only play on 1 or 2 types of players, and there was a really good chance that it would never work again in 10 years or so once that player is broken (or as a better example, if you changed cars more than 3 times), would you still pay for it? I wouldn't. Even if I could copy that CD to my computer and burn another version of it, it's still a pain in the a$$.

This is what itunes and anything else that uses DRM (Digital Rights Management) is all about. Some interesting reading. Some more interesting reading

If I buy a CD, it's mine. I expect to be able to play it anywhere, any way I want, and will own it until it no longer works. I still have CD's I bought in the late 80's. This is what you should get when you pay for something.

I know that record companies are whining about lost profits and such, but to 99% of musicians, it's not such a big deal. They've been "bending over" musicians for longer than anyone has been alive.

MP3's are nice, but they are low-quality. No matter what encoding you use, it's still compression. Something is lost. I will not pay 99 cents for something like that. I'll go and download it (for free thenk yew), listen to it, and if I like it, I'll go and buy the CD. If people want to say this is illegal, so be it. I used to record songs off FM radio in the old days.. was that illegal? Why, yes, yes it was :) And if the recording industry could find a way to make the average joe pay for listening to the radio, they would have a long time ago.

Instead of making people pay for inferior music quality, the recording industry should make CD quality better. I would gladly pay for something better than 16 bit/44.1 Khz (which royally sucks compared to 24/96) anyday. Or at least make the CDs themselves more interesting. Entice people to buy the CD, then they have some motivation to get it rather than a home-made version.

Think about it. They've been shelling out the same audio format (CDs), which are inferior to vinyl (albiet vastly more convenient) since the early 80's. Except for increasingly hard-to-find formats like DVD-Audio or SACD, we haven't progressed in almost 30 years. Instead of progressing the medium to higher levels, the music industry (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) is trying to charge us for inferior (albeit, once again, vastly more convenient) formats.

I will not shed a tear over some fat record company exec's lost profits. Let them go belly up. Then maybe they'll look for real talent instead of artificially trying to create it. (Britney anyone?) If you guys knew how many of these "stars" depend on a little thing called "Autotune" you'd be very surprised.

The Trip That Almost Was

2006-09-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

I had it all planned out perfectly. I knew exactly where we were going to go, and I knew how long it would take.

We were going to leave Winnipeg, drive to Billings MT, go through Yellowstone park, Salt Lake City, the Grand Canyon, Vegas, LA, followed by a drive up the coast road (101) through California, Oregon, and Washington. It was the trip of my dreams. I've always wanted to see more of the states. The way back home was to be through Canada, visiting relatives and friends on the way. It would have taken about 2 weeks to do. The girl was going to come with me and share driving and expenses.

Then she found out she can't get the time off work without losing her job. That trip is not possible anymore, I can neither afford it, nor would I be able to drive that many hours on my own.

I still promised my step-Dad I'd see his place though, so I am no going out to BC and back myself. I was going to stop in Nipawin to see my Grandma, but now she's not going to be there. It looks like I'm going to have to make a 13 hour trip all my own, not stopping anywhere to sleep if I want to make good time. I've done a 16 hour jaunt before, but I had someone to talk to on the way. I'm worried I'll be bored, and/or fall asleep. I have a bad habit of doing that when I drive alone. Crap. It really has me worried.

It's kind of scary doing this kind of drive alone, although I don't have to worry about the car. It's under warranty, and it will be fine.

I'm really looking forward to the mountains, I really love the mountains. I plan on taking lots of pictures. That part I'm not worried about, I'm sure I'll be wide awake for that. The 13 hour prairie drive is sooooo boring though.

The good news in all this is that I got a gig somewhere in Calgary for my last day. No sooner did I find out that I wouldn't be making the previously planned US tour, when I got the call about a gig in Calgary. It'll end up paying for my gas.

How cool is that?

I hope I can stand myself alone for 13 hours in a car. I've been very ADD-like lately.

Irrational Fear

2006-09-13T01:34:00.000-05:00

Why oh why, at this stage in my life when I shouldn't be afraid of anything, am I still afraid to ride my bike between 2 graveyards at 1:30 am?

I am going to take a longer alternate route tonight because I just get too creeped out going past the graveyards. I have always had this kind of fear since I was a kid. Maybe it's just because there's no traffic or anything in that area at this time of night, I dunno. All I know is I'm uncomfortable riding past it. I guess I'm still a kid.

White Raisins?

2006-08-01T00:05:00.000-05:00

It's all about the white raisins.

As some people who know me realize, I spend a lot of my time researching religion.

No, I'm not a religious person anymore, I've been there... Done that. What I find fascinating is that the 3 main religions of the world, Islam, Christianity, and Judaism, (which are usually completely at odds with each other) are responsible for a huge portion of the fighting and bloodshed that goes on today. It's amazing how much these three religions have turned people into assholes that want to kill each other.

Christianity has had more than its fair share of killing, from killing millions of muslims during the crusades to the inquisition and the merciless killing of innocent women as "witches". Not only that, but the feelings of intense fear that it instilled in its followers over an over-glorified "satan" figure should be a criminal offense.

I don't really need to mention how many people are killing in the name of Muhammed today... People are being beheaded right now somewhere in the world while fanatics yell "God is great!" and pray fervently. They firmly believe that the Koran tells them it's ok to do this. Killing infidels isn't really a sin. God loves it when you do that. Yeah. Suuuuure he does.

Also, probably at this very moment, someone is blowing themselves up "for Allah" in order to become a martyr and recieve his promise of "72 virgins" in paradise.

Ok, here's where this post becomes humorous (yes, I know it's horrible to find humour in the same post that mentions killing, beheadings and suicide bombings, but bear with me please).

72 virgins. Yes folks, for those of you who don't know it, many suicide bombers (especially the sexually deprived young ones) are enticed to blow themselves up (along with all the infidels) based largely on a promise of a "Get Into Paradise Free" card. Waiting for them in paradise are "72 dark eyed, fair virgins".

I always found this very interesting. It's a rather unique take on the whole "heaven" thing. 72 virgins? Besides being blatantly sexist, it seems ridiculous. I thought to myself, "Could the Q'uran have really said that?"

I set out on a little Google quest to find out.

Here's what I found out.

The Q'uran itself does not mention anything about "72 virgins". Contrary to what some christian articles, and general media in the West have reported, it's not there. You can search a number of online translations of the Q'uran and find this out for yourself.
The hadith, which is supposedly comprised of saying of Muhammed does mention this passage about the 72 virgins. The hadith is considered an important book among most muslims, but not as important as the Q'uran.

So, I did a little more research on the hadith saying.

Apparently, there are a lot of brave scholars out there who (putting their own lives in danger) have set out to scrutinize the translations of the modern Q'uran more carefully. Usually, whenever anyone questions it, lots of angry muslims want to kill them. My purpose wasn't to find this out though.. I already knew that. Everyone knows about the death threats against the cartoonists who dared publish a picture of the prophet (like anyone REALLY knew what he looked like anyway...). My purpose was to find out about the 72 virgins.

Well, the whole "72 virgins" thing is a rather interesting topic. The people who are trying to re-translate much of these things are now saying that a few words have been mis-translated. It actually means "72 White raisins".

Hmm... Are thousands of suicide bombers actually blowing themselves up for white raisins? As silly as this seems, apparently at one time in the middle east, white raisins were a very exotic, sought after food. The idea that one would get lots of them on the dinner table in heaven is quite understandable. Methinks the "martyrs" are in for a big surprise when they die expecting to see their virgins and instead get raisins. This whole idea made me almost piss myself laughing.

Here's a few quotes that I found:

From http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,631357,00.html

Luxenberg tries to show that many obscurities of the Koran disappear if we read certain words as being Syriac and not Arabic. We cannot go into the technical details of his methodology but it allows Luxenberg, to the probable horror of all Muslim males dreaming of sexual bliss in the Muslim hereafter, to conjure away the wide-eyed houris promised to the faithful in suras XLIV.54; LII.20, LV.72, and LVI.22. Luxenberg 's new analysis, leaning on the Hymns of Ephrem the Syrian, yields "white raisins" of "crystal clarity" rather than doe-eyed, and ever willing virgins - the houris. Luxenberg claims that the context makes it clear that it is food and drink that is being offerred, and not unsullied maidens or houris.
In Syriac, the word hur is a feminine plural adjective meaning white, with the word "raisin" understood implicitly. Similarly, the immortal, pearl-like ephebes or youths of suras such as LXXVI.19 are really a misreading of a Syriac expression meaning chilled raisins (or drinks) that the just will have the pleasure of tasting in contrast to the boiling drinks promised the unfaithful and damned.

From http://www.corkscrew-balloon.com/02/03/1bkk/04b.html

For example, the famous passage about the virgins is based on the word hur, which is an adjective in the feminine plural meaning simply "white." Islamic tradition insists the term hur stands for "houri," which means virgin, but Mr. Luxenberg insists that this is a forced misreading of the text. In both ancient Aramaic and in at least one respected dictionary of early Arabic, hur means "white raisin."

Mr. Luxenberg has traced the passages dealing with paradise to a Christian text called Hymns of Paradise by a fourth-century author. Mr. Luxenberg said the word paradise was derived from the Aramaic word for garden and all the descriptions of paradise described it as a garden of flowing waters, abundant fruits and white raisins, a prized delicacy in the ancient Near East. In this context, white raisins, mentioned often as hur, Mr. Luxenberg said, makes more sense than a reward of sexual favors.

Raisins. This is how fucking ridiculous our world has become. Chew on this for a while. I'm not saying that the people of many middle eastern countries are not oppressed, and have a geniune political reason for being pissed off, but the truth is that many suicide bombers are recruited with this very silly promise of 72 virgins in heaven.

If you look at the root of all the killing in the middle east, it's all due to religion. Yes, there are politics, but the main reason the Jews, Christians and Muslims can't co-exist over there is that they firmly believe every word that their respective holy books tell them.

Those must be good raisins.

Edit: Aparently, this belief of the 72 virgins is so strong that many suicide bombers actually wrap their genitals with bandages and gauze so they will be intact when they meet their virgins.

My SPAM Personality

2006-07-25T02:26:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking... What if everything that SPAM is telling me was true?

I can never get it up. I need Viagra AND Cialis, as well as a bunch of other herb supplements.
When I DO get it up, I apparently don't shoot enough sperm, and my girlfriend is upset about this. I need to take more pills to fix this.
I can't control my feelings, and I come too quickly. Apparently, my girlfriend is upset about this too. I need even more pills to fix this.
My penis isn't nearly big enough, which also upsets my girlfriend, so I need to take some more pills to fix it.
I am apparently a millionaire many times over, because I have won the lottery at least 30 times, in Europe.
Hundreds of wealthy Nigerians badly need a place to put their untold millions. They only trust me to hold it for them.
Someone is using my credit card from my non-existant Paypal, Ebay, and Bank of America accounts to buy all kinds of stuff. I need to log in immediately and re-enter my credit card info.
I don't ever need to take more schooling. I can buy any diploma I need for cheap, and everyone will believe I earned it.
I can get legitimate copies of major software like Photoshop and Office for dirt cheap.
Lots of lonely, beautiful college girls are just waiting to show themselves naked to good 'ole limp-dicked, premature ejaculating, short-shooting, under-endowed me, and only me, on their webcams. All I need to do is click a link.

Geez, I hope they start selling me an anti-suicide pill.

Snuffle

2006-07-20T00:40:00.000-05:00

Ack

Sick again.

My head feels woozy, and my nose is plugged up. Thankfully, this one has decided to leave my throat alone. This is good, because I make my living singing. Losing one's voice is not an option.

Speaking of that, I don't know what the hell's happening, but it's gettin' higher. I'm getting older, and my voice is getting way better. I was singing stuff I could never sing before last Sunday. I actually pulled off "Roxanne" by the Police. I never would have attempted that before. I guess the more you use it, the better it gets? I dunno.

In other news, I hit a fucking car yesterday. I was soooo happy. I rode my bike downtown to work for the first time ever. I figured I was doing my body good by getting the exercise, and doing the environment good, not to mention doing my car good by not paying for gas or raking up the miles.

So anyway, I was riding home in rush hour. As I rode up to a major intersection, there were a long line-up of cars waiting for the light. I was passing them on the right, but I noticed (too late) that the truck in front of me was over way to far towards the curb. I instinctively swerved to miss the asshole's mirror, and lost control (I had a very heavy backpack on). I side-swiped the car that was in front of the asshole's truck. Left a nast scrape down the side of his car from my handlebar.

I knocked on his window, and he right away seemed concerned and asked if I was ok. I said I was fine, but his car didn't look so good. We pulled off the road to talk about it, and I offered to pay his $200 deductable to get it fixed. He seemed really nice about it, and said he appreciated my honesty. Lots of guys would have just rode away.

So there you have it. My fucking honesty is costing me $200. Oh well, at least I can sleep at night knowing I did the right thing. It wasn't the dude's fault that I hit his car, he was an innocent victim. On the other hand, the asshole in the truck that made me wipe out didn't even stick around. Prick.

Next time, I ride on the damn sidewalk. Fuck the cops. If they give me shit, I'll let them know it's not safe for bike riders with all the assholes out there. If pedestrians yell at me, I'll just have to ignore them.

P.S. I have some great live pics I'm gonna post up here sometime soon. Stay tuned.

Vader Sessions

2006-07-11T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well, this gets filed under the "I wish I had thought of that" section. Friggin funny stuff.

Vader Sessions

If I Made the Rules!

2006-06-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

I have to head out to the gym, so I'm gonna make this short.

Things piss me off a lot. Therefore, if I ever get to be supreme ruler of the world, I'd like to make some changes. Here's my first list of new laws under my "New Deal":

1. Absolutely NO ONE, under ANY circumstances is allowed to own a car that looks like an unmarked police car. How many times have you had to cancel your 120 Kph cruise speed because of some old fart driving a used Ford "Police Interceptor"? For that matter, any grey, black, or white coloured Ford LTD's are prohibited.

2. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will obese persons be allowed to wear clothing that clearly displays a belly, especially a belly button. Ass cracks will be permitted if the exposure is evidently accidental.

3. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will persons be allowed to display a "thong" string showing more than 4 inches past the waist of their pants.

4. Men are not allowed to show anatomy-exposing spandex in fitness gyms.

5. Drivers who come to a stop in the merge lane to wait for traffic to pass will be immediately stripped of their license.

6. Drivers will all be subjected to an intelligence and driving skill test. Depending on the final score, they will be given lane assignment. All major roads will be expanded to 6 lanes. Slow/stupid people must only drive in the far right lane, while top scorers will be allowed to drive in the left, faster lane, with the middle lane for passing.

7. Drivers who fail to signal a lane change or turn will be stripped of their license. (The city of Winnipeg will convert all its streets to bike paths accordingly.)

8. All people must take an I.Q. and parental aptitude test. Only people scoring past a certain mark will be allowed to procreate. All others must either smarten up, or be childless. (This should effectively wipe out a lot of crime.)

9. Theft, vandalism, murder, or other heineous crimes will be punished by automatic relocation to Greenland. (Hey, it worked for Australia...)

10. Email forwards that promise money in exchange for more forwarding, email spam, and computer virus creation will all be crimes punishable by death.

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

2006-06-22T02:49:00.000-05:00

Owitch!

I just noticed my last post was April 14th. I suck balls.

It's late, and I have far too much to say to put down before I hit the hay in 15 minutes, so here it is in point form for now. I will elaborate later.

Been teaching like crazy.
The contract work at home is keeping me far too busy, and I haven't even update my own damn site in years. My best work isn't even mentioned on it. And it's still using tables. I never use tables...
Still with the girl, who is still 13 years my junior.
Playing in a new band, with new drama. House gig. Good pay. Lotsa cute girls.
Experiencing girl drama.. She doesn't like the attention I've been getting at the new bar. (but she's good about it so far... other than making references to my "whores")
Still have the awesome car.
Gained 10-20 pounds... Trying to lose it again.
Shoulder injury is better, but it's mostly to blame for the above.
Knee is doing well, although it still doesn't feel completely normal. Alse partially to blame for my increased poundage.
I went to Minneapolis.
I went to Banff.
I'm reading a lot of Gnostic literature.

I realize that my old commenters probably think I've dropped dead, so I don't blame you if you don't check back here anytime soon. It's my own damn fault that I haven't posted anything new in 2 months!

Peace Out, ma Homeys!

WHY????

2006-04-12T03:34:00.001-05:00

You know, I've put off thinking about this for most of the last 3 decades.

Why the hell doesn't he CALL me? I can't handle this anymore. I've always called. He never calls.
Once.

Up until last fall (when he returned my call to tell me he was too busy for me to visit), he called me once.

In the last 20 years, he called me once, to tell me that my grandfather had passed.

I got annoyed with this in 1997 when I moved to Winnipeg. I decided I wasn't going to call him. I wanted to see if he would call me.

6 years went by.

I must be a fucking awful person if my father has never wanted to call me.

I ask you this: How bad of a thing could a 12 year old have done to be denied the privilege of calling his Father "Dad"?

All is Well

2006-04-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

I'm guessing that nobody reading thought I had fallen off a cliff or anything, considering that most of you who read this blog I either talk to in real life, or I comment regularly on your blogs...

Just a report on the state of my bloggity blog. I'm still here, and I haven't lost interest. I still comment regularly on other people's blogs, just haven't been doing as much on my own. Actually, few people really know about it, and I'm deathly afraid that the GF will find it. But unless she's hiding some master Internet-searching prowess, I don't think she will. (The ex managed to find it on me before I hid it, but she's a super-dooper search maven) I've hid this here blog pretty durn good. You won't find me on Google by name, although I noticed an oversight: My comments on other people's searchable blogs can lead back to this one. EEK! Now you know why I changed my blogger name!

Truthfully, I still have a lot I want to write about. When there is something that strikes me as interesting -- Like some religion story or such -- I'll write about it, but lately I haven't felt the need to rant therapeutically as I have in the past. If you read over my blogs in the past year and a half, you'll see I was one rather messed-up, tragically under-sexed, dude. Things are better now.

I'm definitely NOT under-sexed, if fact, even after almost 5 months it's still often twice a day. The current GF actually rocks. Her demeanor is always calm and cool, and nothing really fazes her too much. I had a problem with too much partying early on in the relationship, but heck.. she's only 24, and that's what you do at that age. She's responsible about it though, and never drinks and drives (despite the fact that sometimes I bitch about being a personal taxi service, the pay is nice). Lately, she hasn't been going out much at all, and when she does it's more controlled. I go out a lot too (although not as much as my every night habit of last year), but I can't expect everyone to be a 1 or 2 drink-a-night dude like me.

There are some nasty things now that are coming to the surface once the girl angst stuff is gone. I feel myself needing to write about them, but I'm letting the feelings mull around for a bit. We're talking life-long stuff here.

In the meantime, enjoy my favouritest pic of late:

Rantarooney

2006-03-31T12:48:00.000-06:00

Hello blog-verse...

Sorry I've been a bit AWOL lately. Not as much to blog about these days. In the past, I ranted often about my girl problems and lack of sex and such. However, these days I have a 24 year old girlfriend who seems to be quite smitten with me, and I spend much of my time with her. However, this doesn't mean I'm going to quit ranting. On the contrary, I still have some internal relationship baggage issues I need to get out, and this is still the best place to do it. Also, I've been ridiculously freakishly busy. Although I'm sure that 12 hour work days are nothing alien to many people, try TEACHING for 9 hours. It's really draining, and it makes me want to stay away from my computer when I get home. Gigging is still fun though, and I enjoy it more and more all the time for some reason. You'd think I would get sick of it after 18 years.

On to my intended rant:

I like to try to stay open minded. In fact, I do believe I'm one of the most open minded people I know. Even if I don't believe in someone else's religion, I respect their right to pray to whatever deity floats their boat. I like to think that there's some good to be found in every religion, misguided as they often might be.

I truly want to believe that despite all the crazy muslim extremists and terrorists in the world, the religion has mostly produced people that are good to their fellow humans, do their thing in peace, and respect the rights of others to believe whatever they want as well.

This latest news story has thrown a wrench into my take on things though. You've probably heard of the guy in Afghanistan who was facing a death sentence for converting to Christianity.

That's right folks. A fucking DEATH SENTENCE. In the words of a supposed respectable cleric, it's "an insult to God". Apparently, this is found in the Koran. This was an actual international crisis as world leaders called on Afghanistan to let the man live. Apparently the government is facing a problem because if they let him live, many muslims would be outraged, and their credibility would be compromised.

You'd think that this is something that Osama and his cronies might inflict on a sworn Al Quaida member or something that a long-lived Taliban zealot would face.

No. Apparently it's a quite accepted law in Islam. It's bad enough that they throw an absolute fit, kill/main people, burn property and generally declare war on the west because of a cartoon. Now, it gets out that this guy faces the death penalty, a legal one yet, for renouncing Islam and converting to Christianity.

Now I'm not the biggest supporter of religion, and I know that Christians have been responsible for their fair share of killing in the name of Christ (Inquisition or Crusades anyone?), but I think we can safely assume that if a Christian decided to convert to Islam, the majority of the rest wouldn't want him killed. Sure, some of the more dedicated ones might cry and say a prayer for his soul, but want him DEAD? Surely not. I think I can safely say that most of the worlds other major religions would echo that sentiment.

I had seen something about this while researching Islam after the "cartoon" debacle, but I had read it with some skepticism thinking that it might be some sort of Christian propaganda slamming Islam. Then the aforementioned news story came out.

Muslims like to proudly boast that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. Hmmm... Why is that? Let me think....

Maybe it's because they'll KILL you if you try to leave!!!!

Maybe Manitoba should try that tactic to get people to stop emigrating to Alberta:

"Friendly Manitoba. A great place to live! But we'll KILL you if you try to leave. It's an INSULT to Manitobans."

Maybe the boy scouts should embrace this model. It certainly seems to work doesn't it?

Not only does a muslim face death for leaving the religion, but people who were never muslims in the first place face, at worst death, or at best being outcasts if they live in a predominantly muslim area. Taking this into consideration, it's no wonder there are so many muslims in the world.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think that many others would echo my feelings of being appalled by a religion that demands a life in such a manner. It all just seems so bloodthirsty. Islam also calls for death for things like adultery (and a host of other offenses) as well. Whatever happened to facing justice for your sins in the afterlife?

So, in the end they decided to let the guy who converted live. I think it was to appease the international outrage that was going to hurt the new government in Afghanistan. The supposed reason they let the guy live was because he was insane. Riiiight... He went into hiding. I give him a week.

Wait a minute, maybe they're right... He must have been insane to do something he must have known would cost him his life.

The world is getting more insane every week.

OW!!!

2006-03-28T19:35:00.001-06:00

I'll be brief

My bloody hands are killing me. I've been working in pain for a few weeks now, and being on my computer is sheer hell. My right wrist has been really bothering me. I'm not sure why, but it's especially noticable when I'm using the mouse. Therefore, I've been trying not to use my mouse. I guess that's really no excuse for bloggin, because I only need to use the keyboard (which is not really bothering me) to do that.

Partially because of my aching wrist, I went out and bought a new keyboard. This one:

I've been using the last 2 generations of MicroSlop's Natural (ergonomic) keyboard, so I figured I'd try out the latest version of it. This one positively rocks da howse! It's unbelievably quiet.. I can hardly hear myself type right now, and it feels really good. Very comfortable. Kinda like sitting in a really expensive sports car comfortable.

This should make my handsies feel a little bit better, but my main problem is still my mouse. I need to do something about that situation. I'm torn at the moment between the gyromouse and this crazy-looking sideways mouse. I'm leaning towards the gyromouse, because that will work really well for teaching. However for intense graphics work at home, I might not want to use it at all. After all, I really do love my Logitech mouse with it's 8 buttons.

Besides all this crap, I've been having problems with my freaking LEFT hand. This problem only pops up lately when I'm playing guitar. Guess what my 2 jobs are? Yep. Playing guitar, and working on the computer. I'm fiiiiizucked. The guitar thing is really scary, because I've been doing that for a loooooong time. It shouldn't be bothering me. It's like a cramping, and it's happening in back of my hand. Of course, I'm getting all the "It's just your age" cracks from my 13-years-younger-than-me girlfriend, but I think it's really just good ol' repetitive stress, or worse, tendonitis from using my hands almost fucking constantly.

Anyway, this was my first real test of typing something long-ish into this keyboard. I'm giving it 2 very tired thumbs up.

C-c-c-c-cold

2006-03-09T13:36:00.000-06:00

Looks like I missed seeing myself on TV again.

We played the closing ceremonies of the Manitoba Winter Games on Tuesday. The event was filmed. I knew it was going to be shown somewhere due to the TV cameras in my face the whole time..

I dunno... I might have gotten a kick out of seeing my frozen ass all over the television.

Not that it was super cold (thank God), it was only about -2 degrees celcius. This is downright balmy if you're a Manitoban who's been enduring -20 and worse for months, however, when you can't wear gloves, and your on an open stage in the middle of a large field, and it's very windy, and your fingers have to be continuously grabbing cold steel guitar strings that wick any available body heat out of them, it's cold. After the second song I could no longer feel my fingers. Trust me, it's VERY difficult to play this way.

One time, a number of years back, the band was playing a "tailgate" party just prior to a Winnipeg Blue Bombers game at the stadium, and it was mid November. We had to play an entire set that time.. a very cold one. I remember at the end of it, some kids came up to me to ask me some questions while I still had my guitar on. One of them pointed at my guitar and said "What's that?" while at the same time realizing what it was and making the "eeeeewwww" face.

I couldn't feel my fingers at that gig either, and had apparently cut my right hand fingers without knowing it, and bled all over my guitar. Fun fun fun...

Whoever thinks it might be a good idea to get a band to play outside in the cold has never had to play guitar outside in the cold. Frozen fingers don't move very quickly. Amps, equipment, drum heads, fingers, none of these things are meant to be in cold temperatures.

Oh well.. At least I got paid, though not nearly enough.

Online - A Way of Life...

2006-03-03T11:51:00.000-06:00

Before I launch into this little ranty-poo, I'd like to voice my opinion over one little thing that's bugging me: the words "Log on".

<rant#1>
I hear these words so often on commercials that are telling you to go to a certain Web site. "Log on to www.blahblahblah.com for a free sampling of our product."

Firstly, let's talk about what these grossly mis-used words mean. Let's look at the all-knowing wikipedia's definition of it:

A login (also log in, log on, signon, sign on) is the process of accessing a computer system by identification of the user in order to obtain credentials to permit access. It is an integral part of computer security procedure.

Who the fuck "logs on" to these Web sites? Sure, you "log on" to certain sites that you have signed up something for, like Dell.com to access your personal support, or hotmail.com to get your email, but you DO NOT "log on" to a site that doesn't ask you for a username and password. "Log on" has become synonymous with "Go to" or "point your browser to", and it's pissing me off. In fact, if some goofy site is trying to sell me something, wouldn't I be more inclined NOT to go there because I might to have to register to access it? I thinkest not.

</rant#1>

<rant#2>
All right, on to our regularly scheduled post, about the Internet.

I don't know, I could be wrong, but I think the Internet might be taken for granted by a lot of people. Gone are the days of calling it the "information superhighway". These days, it's a place to get your email, look at funny videos, buy MP3s (nobody should be "buying" mp3s, but that's another rant) and forward all kinds of useless shit to as many people as you can. Some people use it in a more productive manner, such as getting info about the weather, news, movies, etc...

Ahhh.. The news.. Lets's explore that one shall we?

Where do most people go to get their news? Foxnews.com? or how about the almost-as-biased CNN.com? In short, most people probably go to the same places to get their news as they would have gone on TV. This is missing the point of the Internet entirely.

Take a look at our human history.

A thousand years ago, most people were illiterate. If you could read or write, you were a very wise (and usually educated) person. If we look back to the days when the church was master of the land, one of the biggest reasons was that people couldn't read the bible. The ONLY place you could go to hear the words of that book was a church. Even if you COULD read, you couldn't just go out and BUY a bible (before the invention of the printing press).

What I am trying to say here, is that people were told what the powers-that-be wanted them to hear. Unless you heard it through gossip, there was no way to get your information from anyone other than a church person, teacher, or politician. The masses were easy to sway in those days. You could basically shovel whatever you wanted down their throats. (Which explains a lot of our current beliefs) This process continued on unabated for centuries.

It was the invention of the printing press by Gutenburg in 1440 that changed a lot of this. Now, people actually had a reason to learn how to read. You could now actually acquire your own books. Books could be cheaply made and therefore affordable. This was the single biggest change to the way people got their information up to that point in history. People could now pick and choose the books they wanted to read, therefore giving them more power to choose their own information.

If you think about it, almost anybody can write a book. However, not everyone can get this book to the masses. To do that, you have to have a publisher. This means that at some point, your information is either subject to censure, or not published at all. Now, I'm not saying that every book is censored (no conspiracy theories here) it's just that someone has to publish a book. If you had written a book with a highly controversial subject, it's more unlikely that you're going to find a publisher.

Then, along came TV. TV was a big step backwards from books as far as getting information was concerned. You could now turn on the boob-tube any time you wanted and get the news, or watch sillly stuff, but you were getting the news according to someone's point of view. The average person had a pretty much impossible time getting information out to people this way, as producing a TV show is very expensive and involves a lot of trained individuals. TV can be a very effective propaganda tool, especially when there are few channels to choose from. Think of all the crap that you see on Fox News, or CNN. You are seeing what they want you to see. As much as they try to come off as "unbiased", the truth of this matter has never been so plainly evident.

Now, take a look at the Internet. Obviously, the big news stations have established a large presence here. Many people want to get the news when they want it, not just at the "top of the hour". But, they still go to the same old sources, even on the Internet.

The difference here people, is that the Internet is all about choice.

Think about it. The Internet is the largest repository of accessible information ever. How many books have been digitized and put online now? How many Web sites has Google indexed? Billions. The big thing here though, is that the Internet, due to its very design, cannot be controlled by any one organization or entity. It's accessible for everyone, and controlled by no-one. Granted, not all the information is accurate (If someone wants to post information that giant alien cockroaches are planning on invading Earth, they can), but it's all accessible.

If you want to get the "other side" of the war in Iraq, you can find a blog written by an Iraqi living there. You don't have to wait for some reporter to show your their (edited) story, you can go and read it for yourself, raw and unedited. The Internet is inherently immune to censorship. Sure, someone can censor what goes on their own Web site, but someone else can turn around and show you that same information uncensored.

I ask you this, can you think of a time in human history when this was ever possible? I can't. With the Internet, we don't need to rely on what the church, state, or even Fox News wants us to hear. You can look at anything you want, any time you want to look at it. Add to this the fact that you can post whatever you want, whenever you want, and you see what I mean.

So blog away dear bloggers, and try to think of how wonderful it is that you can.

</rant#2>

That Ain't Jack...

2006-02-23T16:16:00.000-06:00

Last night, as I was getting ready to meet the girlfriend at the gym, I stumbled onto an interesting program. It was, believe it or not, Jack Osbourne (you know, Ozzy's kid..) doing his own reality show called "Adrenaline Junkie". Now, normally, I don't like watching these reality shows, they're totally overdone. In fact, shows like "Extreme Makeover" make me want to barf.

This show was a bit different though. I felt myself compelled to watch it. If you've ever seen "The Osbournes" you know that Jack was a pudgy, kind of annoying, drug and alchohol addicted brat son of a rock-star. In this new show, he decided he wants to take up rock climbing in order to climb a difficult mountain ("El Capitane" or something like that). I wasn't too interested in the rock climbing bit, but the first episode was quite interesting to me.

Y'see, Jack's journey is rather similar to mine. I was always pretty pudgy, much (if not quite that bad) like Jack. He set out a goal for himself to lose a shitload of weight, and the show is basically about that. Changing his whole lifestyl. I guess the thing I really liked about this is that there is none of the usual "celebrity makeover" crap.. No fad diets, no stomach staple, etc. Just training. Hard, physical training. What REALLY piqued my interest was when they decided he needed something a little more focused than simply running and training. They took him to Thailand no less, and trained him in the art of Muay Thai Kickboxing.

For those of you not familiar with Muay Thai, it's a traditional form of kickboxing that involves using not just feet and fists, but also knees and elbows. It's a very brutal sport. For those of you not familiar with me, I trained in kickboxing for nearly 9 years straight, including Muay Thai. Like with Jack, it was the one thing that knocked me into shape. I needed the discipline and focus that only martial arts (and a hard-core teacher) can bring. I remember I lost something like 25-30 pounds in a few months of hard training. I had gone from a guy who could maybe do 2-3 pushups to someone who could bang off 30 on my knuckles on a bare floor. I went from someone who couldn't jog around the block without wheezing, to someone who could do 5 miles in 40 minutes. Likewise for flexibility: I couldn't touch my toes. Now my head goes to my knees cold (without working up to it). All this in a matter of less than a year.

Watching Jack Osbourne train in Thailand until he was ready to puke (maybe he did.. he was making those "puking" sounds) brought all that back for me. It's the same way I lost weight. I've gone back and forth weight-wise over the years (mostly due to injuries), but I've never lost the ability to train hard and lose weight whenever I want (except when badly injured, natch), through the discipline and methods I learned as a kickboxer.

Not to mention that the actual fighting he did in the show (He did a real match in the ring) was not too bad. Yes, it was sloppy, and a better fighter would have creamed him, but in the time he had before the fight to not only train, but learn how to fight, he did remarkably well. If he was my student, I would have been quite proud of him

Anyway, the dude lost an amazing amount of weight, and went through an amazing change. It's really startling to see what martial arts training, not to mention fitness in general, does to change a person. And it's so much more REAL that getting a stapling, or whatever other crazy Hollywood crap way to lose pounds you can think of. Jack did it the best way possible. Let's hope he sticks with it, but I have to say, I really admired the guy for it. Simply amazing.

The guy actually looks good now, and was taken off the "fug" list at "Go Fug Yourself". Check out the show if you need some inspiration. Peronally, I think he needs to hit the weights now, but that's just my opinion.

Before:

After:

Which Star Trek Character Are You?

2006-02-14T13:29:00.000-06:00

Wow... Some of these questions were downright silly.

I would have rather gotten Kirk, but I guess I can be happy he's a close third :)

My Favorite Star Trek (old series) quote:

*From some girl that was after Kirk for some reason or other (he gets all the chicks)

"The ship... All this power, surging and throbbing, yet under control. Are you like that captain?"

No, I'm not a "trekkie"

Your results:
You are Geordi LaForge

Geordi LaForge		85%
Will Riker		85%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		80%
Data		68%
Mr. Scott		60%
Spock		55%
Jean-Luc Picard		55%
Uhura		55%
Worf		50%
Deanna Troi		50%
Mr. Sulu		50%
Chekov		45%
Beverly Crusher		40%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		35%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		20%

You work well with others and often
fix problems quickly. Your romantic
relationships are often bungled.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

It's not a toilet....

2006-02-09T11:04:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking of this the other day so I thought I would relate this really ridiculous story.

Some time last year, I was about to do my laundry. Now, in this building there are 2 laundry rooms (each with a single washer/dryer) per floor. We have our designated laundry times, usually 2 per week.

On this one particular day, I noticed a foul smell coming from the washer as I was about to put my clothes into it. It smelled like, well... shit! People on my floor do all kinds of stupid things with these washers, (like washing their work boots) so I figured it was just another ignorant person perhaps washing soiled diapers or something like that. I went back to grab my trusty bottle of Javex bleach, and I started up an empty (water only) wash with bleach in it, and left it for a while.

When I came back, it was done. However, it still smelled like shit. Badly. Thinking "God, what's wrong with this family's baby?" I repeated the bleach process. Still didn't help. It still smelled bad. I decided not to do my wash that day. I'd let someone else's laundry "clean out" the shit smell.

Later on, I learned the disgusting truth of the source of the awful smell. According to my caretaker, someone had taken a shit in the washer. That's right... You heard me... Somebody climbed up on top of the washer, pulled their pants down, and took a ripe old SHIT in MY WASHER. FUCKING DISGUSTING! What kind of person does such a thing? My caretaker said that she figured it was someone who had been at a party on my floor.

Apparently, she (the caretaker) had already run a bunch of loads of bleach through the washer in an effort to clean it up even before I had gotten to it. Diiiiisgusting.

Now, I thought this was a rare thing (I'd never heard of it before) and not something that would repeat itself, but noooooo.. It's apparently happened again! My caretaker told me a few weeks ago that a disgruntled tenant that they had to evict took a shit in one of the washers on another floor. Fuck... What's wrong with people? What happened to taking up the issue with Landlord/Tenant Affairs (formerly known as "The Rentalsman") or going through some other proper channels to dispute your eviction? What kind of mind thinks, "Nah.. I'll just take a shit in the washer.. Yeah, that seems like a good idea!" Actually, that messes up your poor neighbors, not so much the owners of the building.

There have been other "shit" issues in this building too. One day, I decided to take the back stairs instead of the elevator (I live on the sixth floor). As soon as I opened the door, I noticed something god-awful. It was one of the worst smells I had ever experienced. I was sure that someone had died in that stairwell. I held my breath and went up to the top of the stairwell (where it goes up to the roof) and didn't see a body, but in the dark I saw what looked like discarded clothes or something.

I informed the caretaker about this, and I guess later on they discovered that a homeless person had been living up there and shitting into a plastic bag. Ewwwwwww... This story taught one important thing: Apparently nobody but me uses the fucking stairwell... This smell had been there for weeks. The first time I smelled it, I was in a hurry and decided to take the elevator. It got worse and worse for like a week before I had time to talk to the caretaker (yeah, I know.. I should have let them know sooner.. I just figured someone else would have noticed it too..) I would have normally been using the stairs more, but knee problems had me using the elevator more often.

Not only that, but a few months earlier, I had noticed a plastic Safeway bag full of shit tied around a doorknob on one of the other floors. I wonder if it was the same homeless dude?

I need to move.... Although I'm sure it's not this building.. It's not like I live in a run-down neighborhood, or that this is a low-rent building or anything.. I'm thinking it's just people in general. Bastards.

A Small Offering to the Blog Gods

2006-02-08T13:21:00.000-06:00

I know.. I know...

I suck

I haven't been properly blogging in quite a while. The only thing I can think of writing about lately is my video card dilemnas. (See previous post) It's not that there's nothing going on, it's just that I haven't been writing about it. I need to catch up. Look for a really long re-cap on the last few months coming soon to a browser near you.

In the meantime, O Blog Gods, please accept this humble, pitiful excuse for a blog entry.

In other news, I've actually managed to change my display name to "Blogosaurus Rex". I'm positively giddy with excitement over that. I can't believe no-one else has used that name. O happy happy am I....

Damn it...

2006-02-07T03:16:00.000-06:00

Bloody computers...

I've been fighting with this one all night. I have video card issues. It's working ok now, but I'm sitting at a screen resolution of 1280x1024, which, on my 1900x1200 24" LCD makes everything look squashed and HUGE. This is actually hard to read while I'm writing it because it's so big. Every time I try to install the proper drivers, it either crashes, refuses to display ANYTHING, or shows strange video artifacts all over the place.

Speaking of video artifacts, I'm even seeing them frequently on the POST screen. (For the less geek-inclined, that's the first thing you usually see when you boot your computer) This tells me that it's really NOT a driver or even a Windows issue, seeing as you would still see the POST (Power On Self-Test) screen even if the hard-drives were removed.

So now I'm going to have to buy a new video card. Sure, this one's on warranty, but what am I supposed to used during the several weeks it will take ATI to send me a new All-In-Wonder 9700 Pro? I'm gonna have to shell out for a 9800 pro (250 clams), then try to sell the one they'll send back to me, which really sucks, cuz it's a little long in the tooth. (2 years)

Oh, well... This might be a good thing after all... I was starting to want to be playing video games again, and now I can't play anything that requires a properly working video card. (no, I don't count Solitaire as a video game) Now I'll actually have to do only work (and blogging).

UPDATE:

Not that anyone really cares about my videocard problems (Except the one geek friend that I know reads this), but here's what I did:

I phoned ATI customer service, and the dude on the phone took like 2 minutes to tell me the card was screwed. Whew! I'm so glad he didn't try to get me re-install Windows or something idiotic like that... However, he didn't seem so sure that they would warranty my card. Why? Because it's really old. I guess 2 years old is ancient. He told me I could try online anyway and see if it got accepted. Luckily, it did, and now it will be on its way to Ontario.

In the meantime, I bought a second cheap video card (Diamond Stealth Radeon 7000) which will eventually run a second monitor for me. I was going to get a second card for dual monitors anyway, so it's no big whoop. I still can't play any games, but my 2D display is just fine again. This card actually does dual monitors on it's own, but my old monitor looks really dark and dull compared to the stunning beauty of my Dell 2405 24" LCD. I am forever spoiled. I think I just need another one of these :)

Enough geek talk. Back to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Strange Dreams...

2006-02-03T11:39:00.000-06:00

This one was a doozy. I can't ever recall having a dream quite like this one:

I'm lying on this semi-reclined table-ish thing. There are restraints for the hands and legs (I think) and a nurse is trying to put a set of headphones on my head with calming, soothing sounds.

Thing is, all I can think of is that I'm not ready to die.

Im my dream, I remember the reason why I'm there. I had been to a doctor, and this doctor had told me that I had some incurable disease, and was going to die a horribly painful death. My family (or someone like that) knew about these "clinics" where you go, pay a fee, and they kill you "nicely" and painlessly. For some reason, you got cremated there too. I'm pretty sure they were kind of "underground" and not entirely legal. You had to know where to find one.

So anyway, in the dream, as the nurse is putting this headphone-like device on my head, (which I understood was part of the process of "nicely" killing me) that I DID NOT feel alright with this dying business. Something didn't feel right with it.

I got free of my restraints, and ran away from that place. I think people were upset with me because of that. I remember going to see a different doctor, who checked me over and said that the first doctor was wrong. I wasn't dying of anything and was, in fact, perfectly healthy.

I can remember being very angry that I had almost died at this scary (yet oddly pleasant) clinic because of some doctor's error.

What I can't get over was the creepiness of the place. It was nicely decorated like an upscale doctor's office, with pleasant nurses and such. They tried to make you very comfortable and all. The place catered to older people mostly, but it was a place you went to die. Creepy.

I'd like to know if there's some meaning behind that dream, but I have no idea where to look. I'm sure it's not the first dream where I knew I had some nasty sickness and was going to die, but definitely it was the most memorable, if only for the creepiness level.

It's been over a year...

2006-01-30T22:22:00.000-06:00

Crap.. I missed my Blogversary.

I started blogging on January 5th of last year.

My GOD! I can't believe it's been a whole year. It sure doesn't seem like it... This year has flown by at an unbelievable rate.

I'm so much different than I was a year ago though. Last year around this time, I was quite depressed, and I had just started taking harsh medication that was going to make me even more depressed. Fun, fun, fun... My ex (who I had been with for 4 years and 9 months, and who I was sure would be the one I would grow old with) and I had broken up over a month before, and I was not taking it well. Most of my blogs were about her, and she occupied many of my thoughts.

I was trying hard to find someone new to take my mind off her, but I was completely hopeless in that quest. It's funny how it's completely turned around now. I guess I've changed quite a bit since last year. One big difference, I was blogging almost every day back then. I've been slacking quite a bit lately :(

Funny, I'm doing the same gig that I was talking about a year ago, just a week later than last year: The Beach Band thing, but at a different casino. Go figure.

If you're interested in reading what kind of a mess I was last year, check out the January 30th post of 2005. Interesting that the theme of last year's blog is kinda similar to this one...

* * * * * * *

It's my Mom's birthday today. I phoned her to wish her a happy birthday, and sang it over the phone. I think she liked that... I don't think I've done anything like that in a long time.

A to the Izzo, B to the Izzay, C to the..... uh...

2006-01-30T13:05:00.000-06:00

Stolen Shamelessly from Nonvocabulum

[A is for age:] Old enough to know better, young enough to still keep f**king doing it all over again...
[B is for booze of choice] Currently the low-fat option: Vodka + Tonic, with a lime.
[C is for career] Musician, Multimedia Guru, and Instructor of many things computer-related.
[D is for your dog's name:] Don't have one. My Mom's dog is named "Angel", which she's certainly not.
[E is for essential items you use everyday:] My cellphone, computer, guitar, car, glasses, baseball hat, etc.
[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:] I'm currently looooving Switchfoot: Lonely Nation.
[G is for favorite games:] Board (bored) games? Monopoly.. Video games? Half Life 2, Final Fantasy XI, Homeworld2, Need for Speed.. But I don't have time to play anything anymore.
[H is for hometown:] Planet Earth
[I is for instruments you play:] Ooh.. Guitar, Bass, Piano, Vocal Cords, Clarinet.
[J is for jam or jelly you like:] Anything rasberry.
[K is for kids?] To paraphrase Dena: fuck no
[L is for last kiss?:] The other day.
[M is for most admired trait:] Dunno... I guess my easy-going nature?
[N is for name of your crush:] I plead the fifth.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] Not since having a head-on with a semi. It was only 1 night.
[Q is for quotes you like:] "A little pain never hurt anybody"
[R is for biggest regret:] Never asking out my highschool crush.
[S is for sweets of your choice:] Oooooh.. Chocolate.. but Kozy Shack Rice pudding makes me shiver.
[T is for time you wake up:] Lately, 7am. However, now that I am working from home again, 10am.
[U is for underwear:] Always.
[V is for vegetables you love:] Broccoli. Carrots. Green/red peppers, mushrooms (I know.. not a vegetable.. bite me)
[W is for worst habit:] I guess it's forgetting things. I hate that. What was I talking about?
[X is for x-rays you've had:] Lots.. Knee problems = lots of x-rays. Had an MRI too.
[Y is for yummy food you make:] I make a wikkid spaghetti sauce. Also make a great stir-fry.
[Z is for zodiac sign:] Right in the middle between Aquarius and Pisces. Anyone I've met with my birthday seems a little off. Perhaps I am too....

Meet our new Leader

2006-01-25T00:32:00.000-06:00

The resemblance is uncanny, although I think don't think Spongebob is a right-wing, not-out-of-the-closet-yet zealot.

I'm Not Dead... Really....

2006-01-21T22:14:00.000-06:00

I know this sounds like a piss-poor excuse, but I've honestly been too busy to blog. I'm 2 weeks into a 3 week course that I've been teaching. I had to do it on rather short notice, so I was caught a little unprepared. By "short notice", I mean I was told in December I'd be doing it, but it's really hard to plan a course when you've already planned Christmas in another province for a full week. It's really hard to drop that into your already-made plans. I was majorly stressed out and busy the week and a half before the course, then even worse once it started.

Once into the course, I had another, previously agreed-upon Web site to finish as well. Therefore, I was teaching from 9 till 3, then I rushed home, took a quick nap, then went back to work. I would typically work until 1 or 2 in the morning, then sleep 4-5 hours and do it all over again.

I hate doing this kind of thing. I've been to the gym ONCE in the last 2 weeks. I totally SHOULD NOT be doing such a thing. However, every fucking HOUR is needed to get things done. It's really no way to live at all.

Anyway, I just got back from the girlfriend's cabin, where I spent quite a relaxing Friday night and Saturday doing nothing but kicking back in a hot tub (outdoors) and watching DVD's. I feel incredibly refreshed. I think I was dealing with a serious sleep deficit over the last 2 weeks. My eyes were starting to hurt. I think I slept 10-11 hours last night (I usually only do 6 at the most), and a number of naps last night and today.

Adding to all my recent stress, I'm ridiculously broke. Really broke. I haven't been this broke in years. I actually scraped together all my rolled coins into a bag, and deposited them in the bank this month. I've been living completely off my credit card, and had to do 2 cash advances just so automatic payments wouldn't be rejected.

So why am I so broke? Mainly because I had hardly any income in December. Hardly any gigs at all, and no computer work. Normally it's not like this, but for some reason there we no gigs in December. Our band leader actually WANTED to take New Year's Eve (typically a really good paying night) OFF. We had a gig first week in January, but it barely put a dent in my broke-ness. There haven't been any other decent gigs this month either, and besides, I'd get no sleep if I had to gig as well as teach over these past few weeks.

So now, I'm working my ASS off. I have a number of Web sites and various projects I'm doing, but I'm not getting paid for anything anytime soon. I make a lot of $$ per hour teaching, but again, I don't get a checque till sometime in February, which is completely full of gigs. I figure I'll probably pull in twice what I normally make in Feb, but that doesn't help me for right now. I'm still broke. I'm going to have to cash in some of my mutual funds just to make rent.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying my new 24" Dell LCD monitor (see last post) which, luckily, I don't have to pay a cent for until next month. It's a DAMN good thing I got it too, because the amount of hours I've had to put in on the 'puter would have reduced my eyes to mush on my old monitor. LCD screens really are better for the eyes than regular monitors.

So that's what's up with me, Internet. I need to go back to doing teaching related work. It never stops.

Laterz

Toys toys toys...

2006-01-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

Shreeeeeeeeek!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I'm getting it! Another toy... Yay me!

A dell 2405 FPW 24" wide screen LCD monitor.

Positively GIDDY am I.

I did my research, and this thing is da bomb. Everyone I know who has used it loves it, and peoples on the Internet seem to as well. I got it for $974 canadian, on a 2 year lease, with 0% financing. The payments are a little higher than expected, but for 2 years, it makes sense.

I'm going to combine this monitor with my older, still kickass (but apparently harder on my eyes) Viewsonic 22" regular monitor. With the 2 monitor setup, I will have tons of room to do what I do. (Web design, graphic design, programming, making music, gaming, movies, etc etc etc.) Also, it's a good idea to have 2 when you're doing critical stuff. This monitor I am using was huge by 2001 standards, but it's almost 5 years old.

And I know it's not the main reason one should get a $974 monitor, but dammit, I can't wait to see what movies will look like in 1920 x 1200 resolution (that's 2,304,000 pixels folks). HDTV can bite my ass.

New Year's Resolutions (sort of)

2006-01-02T18:01:00.000-06:00

Here, oh grandest Blogverse, is my list of New Years Resolutions:

Buy a Dell 24" LCD Monitor while they're still on sale.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Clean up my apartment.
Keep my apartment clean.

So there.

Me

I'm Dreaming of a... Green Christmaaaas...

2006-01-02T03:02:00.000-06:00

I was in BC for xmas this year. I'll blog more about it later. I have a 9am meeting (why freaking 9 am?) in the morning, and I can't sleep. I'm still on BC time I guess, which means it'll be like waking up at 5:30 in the AM when I wake up at 7:30AM.

I don't know if everyone has heard about that shooting in Toronto where a 15 year old girl was shot by a stray bullet from fucking idiotic gang-bangers, but apparently my little sister was right there, pretty much in the middle of it. She had to endure seeing shot people bleeding on the sidewalk. Not a pleasant experience I would imagine. She's here in WPG now visiting my Mom.

And what's the FIRST thing that you always hear when the subject of gun violence comes up?

More gun bans.

Yeah, go ahead. The fucking criminals don't mind one bit. They don't buy their guns legally anyway. Most shootings are not commited by registered gun owners. Are politicians ever capable of logical thought processes? Personally, I just think they will use anything, including a senseless tragedy, to further their own dumb-assed agendas.

(No, I'm not advocating that everyone should own a gun, I'm just saying that stricter gun laws are pretty much useless against gun violence and don't keep them from the criminals, only from the people who would probably use them more responsibly.)

/rant

Off to the West Coast

2005-12-22T11:42:00.000-06:00

My knee is feeling a bit better today. It still likes to swell if I'm doing anything but lying prostate for more than a few minutes, but I'm sitting at my regular chair now, and not feeling like my knee is going to explode.

I'm leaving, ooooon a jet plane.... don't know when I'll be back agaaaaaain.... (Actually, I do.. the 29th).

I kinda goofed. I didn't phone all the relatives in Van that I was hoping to hang out with until the last couple of days. Now it appears that everyone's schedule is making it difficult for anyone to come get me. Oops. I'm going to be stuck at the Vancouver airport on a bum knee, trying to find a way to Abbotsford, where I should have flown to in the first place.

Ah well... I just talked to my cousin out there, and she's probably going to come and get me on the 26th and we'll visit then. I can't wait to see their 6,000 square foot house. I've heard it's very nice.

I'm going to try to call my uncle in Abbotsford, to see if he can come and get me. He might not be very happy about that though...

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing from out there, unless I sign up for a cheap dial-up Internet service reeeeeal quick. I don't think MTS works out there.

Knee Surgery

2005-12-20T16:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm at home on the couch, typing away on my trusty laptop. I can hear my other computer in my office grabbing all my emails. I'm going to have to go in there to shut off Outlook Express. I have the other machine on because the drives are netwoked, and most of my current stuff is on the main computer. However, it's still a little difficult to walk right now, although not as hard as I thought it would be.

So, yeah.. The operation.. It went well. Before the surgery, the doctor asked me if I was going to watch the proceedings. I said I'd like to, but the previous 2 times I had knee surgery, I fell asleep.

The last thing I remember from last year's ACL reconstruction was the anestheseologist saying,

"How are you doing? Do you want a little something to take the edge off?"

"Sure!" said I.

That was the last thing I remembered from last year's surgery, except waking up high as a kite.

For today's surgery, they told me I could go without and sedation. (I still had the spinal of course)

So they wheeled me into the operating room. The worst part of the whole thing is having to curl up in a ball on your side while they stick a needle into your spine.

Not fun.

It burns, and when you feel the needle, there's an instant of shooting pain that you feel everywhere. Very unpleasant.

Once that was done, the freezing started, and I just felt all warm and tingly from the waist down. They prepped my leg for surgery, and wheeled a TV monitor up close so I could watch.

Fascinating. It was amazing just how quickly they get that little camera inside the knee joint. I was like, "You're IN already?". Yup. This was the same doctor who did my ACL reconstruction in Feb of '04, so the first place he went was the ACL graft. He seemed very pleased, and said it was looking really good. He showed me where the new blood vessels had grown over the transplanted graft. Then we looked at the outer side of my knee. Everything looked pretty good, but he cleaned up a little fraying in the meniscus (cartilage). I already knew there wasn't much wrong with that part of my knee.

He took a quick look at my kneecap, explaining everything as he went. Everything looked good there as well.

Then he went in the other side of the knee, where I was having problems. Sure enough, he pointed out where a (surprisingly small) flap of meniscus was hanging loose, and showed me how it could interfere with other moving parts. Also, he said there was some minor wear and tear to the joint itself, I'm guessing probably due to my injuries. He cut away the offending piece, and snipped away more bits to make it nice and even.

Very neat stuff. Even without the sedatives, I was much too fascinated with everything to be freaked out that I was looking inside my own joint in real time.

It was over very quickly. After a quick look at the other side of the reconstructed ACL (this doctor is very proud of his work, I could tell), we were done. They wheeled me out very alert and awake into the recovery room. Now I just had to wait for the freezing from the spinal to come out, or "thaw" as the nurses so eloquently put it. *grin*

As I lay there, I kinda wished I DID have some sedatives, because then I might have at least slept, and wouldn't be so bored... I imagined what it must be for someone who is paralyzed from the waist down, as I essentially was.

It's no picnic.

What is really freaky, is trying to wiggle your toes. You think you can, and then you try, but nothing moves. Then, it starts bugging you because you really feel like you NEED to wiggle your toes, or you'll go crazy. Even worse is the, um... package. You know it's still there, but you can't feel it at all. I felt around for it with my non-frozen hands, and felt this lump underneath my gown. Yup. That's it all right, but there was no feeling at all. Very strange. Very unnerving.

Eventually, the freezing came out, and I was ready to go home. The nurse said, "Are you normal yet?", to which I replied, "I was NEVER normal..." She laughed. Then she said, we'll have to see if we can stand you (meaning make me stand on my legs) before you can go. I said "No one can usually stand me either". She laughed again and said, "If you keep that up, we'll HAVE to keep you around."

I had made the anestheseologist chuckle earlier when I asked if I could have some root beer in my IV. (I love root beer)

So now I'm just waiting for the girl to get here. She's bringing some food to cook me a meal, and some movies for us to watch. She's going to take care of me 'til tomorrow morning.

Awwww... Isn't that sweet?

An Eerie Silence...

2005-12-19T15:01:00.000-06:00

It's really strange.

I'm so used to the little noises Lucy (my late bunny) made.. There would be the sound of the water bottle; the sound of her digging or just throwing things around in the cage; the sound of her sneezing (she did that a lot); her loud rabbit Thump* when she wanted my attention; Her excited rustling every time I walked by.. These are all regular noises around here.

It seems so quiet here now. Every time I walk by her cage, I absent-mindedly glance over at it, and then realize it's empty. So very strange. My brain keeps expecting to hear her little noises.

*In the wild, rabbits "thump" the ground with their powerful hind legs when they are in danger. This is supposedly done to warn other rabbits of danger. Lucy started doing it when she was angry, or not getting her way... Later on, she figured out that it was a good way to get me to come over to her cage, no matter what time of the day or night.

She was definitely a quirky rabbit. A few memories:

When she was younger, she had a smaller ceramic bowl. She could still pick the thing up with her teeth, so when feeding time was a little late, she would pick it up and smash it against the side of the glass aquarium. I had to buy a very large, heavy ceramic bowl to prevent this.
I used a plastic baby gate to keep her in the hallway when I let her run. She ended up chewing a "lucy-sized" hole in the thing so she could get through.
When a baby bunny, she got spooked and tried to run away while on a bare floor. She was running fast, but wasn't getting anywhere. Ever since, she would not step onto the bare floor.
If I tried to re-arrange her living space, she would actually growl violently at me and chuck shavings at me.
She lived in an open-topped aquarium. She knew damn well she could jump out of it at any time. She would prove this to me from time to time if dinner was late. She would jump right out and just look at me. She usually would never jump out though.
Her favourite toy was an empty toilet paper roll. She would repeatedly pick it up, and fling it over her head. This would amuse her for long periods of time. She loved to pick things up with her teeth and chuck them.
She was extremely finicky. If her pellets were getting too old, she would just refuse to eat them until I bought a new bag.
I've never seen an animal go so crazy over a "treat food". Carrots were like crack to her.. She would literally convulse when she was about to get one, and get freaky if she didn't get one when I opened the fridge.
She loved to be petted. If you could pet her the right way, she would sit motionless with her head on the ground (or my arm) for a long time, with closed eyes, grinding her teeth in contentment.

I had to make the decision today about what to do with her body. When I found her dead, her eyes were open, and I couldn't stand to look at her, so I just covered her up with an old towel. The next day I had to screw up the courage to put her into a box, then place her outside in the cold so she would "keep" (yuck). I was going to bury her in a nice spot out at my Mom's, but it's bloody winter here, and digging through all that snow and the possibly frozen soil wasn't really an option. She's still in the box, out in my car where it's 20 below zero. I'm going to pay $125 to have her cremated, and they'll give me a little urn with her name on it. After 10 great years, I think I owe her that much.

Yesterday, it was very cold here. "N", my new "special friend" had the box containing the rabbit on her lap (it was very well sealed, and the rest of the car was full of stuff). I thought it rather poignant that this was the same way she came into my life: Riding on my ex Broadzilla's lap, on the coldest day of that year so far. We had picked her up from a farm, and it was extremely cold that day.

Who would have thought that a little bunny who wasn't even my idea in the first place would become such a long-lived (10 years) pet, and such a good one? Not I...

I'll miss her.

'Tis the Season...

2005-12-18T06:11:00.000-06:00

This Christmas season is off to a good start.

My rabbit is dead.

For the last 10+ years, Lucy has been my constant companion, always happy to see me, always nutso for a carrot.. She would flinch even at the word "carrot", and get totally excited about it. I would often let her run around in the hallway here, and she would always try to keep me in sight.

When I broke up with Broadzilla, I wanted to keep Lucy with me, because even though the rabbit was her idea, not mine, I wanted her to keep me company when I was having a shitty time. Broadzilla reluctantly agreed. Since then, Lucy's been with me. She's always been a healthy rabbit, although she snuffled a lot it seems... She would always perk up for a carrot. Ironic (or fitting?) that that's how I found her. I had gone into the kitchen to get some water, and out of habit thought of her and grabbed a carrot out of the bag I keep in the fridge for her. It was when she didn't jump up for the carrot that I knew something was wrong.

She was just lying there, with her eyes wide open. She didn't look dead... It was almost as if she was playing dead... Although I know animals don't do that.

I'm not having a good night it seems... The girl I've been sorta seeing is passed out in my room. I picked her up at the bar, (she had text-messaged me to come get her, as planned..) and she was totally loaded. I don't know how someone can get that drunk in only a couple of hours... I'm worried like crazy that someone might have slipped something into her drink or something... I had a hell of a time getting her up here.. She was rather incoherent and not very stable on her legs... From what I know of her so far, this seems very out of character.

It's 6:30am now, and I haven't slept. I was watching her (the girl) to make sure she was ok, then I discovered my dead rabbit... after crying my fucking eyes out, trying to wake the girl (no luck), I checked IM and my ex was still up at 4am... I told her what happened, and she phoned me and let me cry on the phone to her... Bless her heart...

So now I sit in this dark room typing away.. I keep expecting to hear the familiar rabbit noises (drinking from her water bottle, banging things around, sneezing and sorting) and I hear nothing. I keep almost hearing her watter bottle... It's really eerie knowing she's dead out there in the other room, covered in a towel. I don't know what else to do right now. I don't feel right about putting her outside.. I wanted her to stay in her happy cage sleeping one more time I guess..

I hope the girl is ok... I WAS severely pissed off at her earlier (I was planning on giving her shit when she woke up) but I don't even know at this point if it's her fault... How does someone get that loaded that quickly? And what would have happened in any event if I hadn't come to get her and take care of her? I shudder at the thought...

This sucks... Merry christmas...

I miss my rabbit. When I felt like this before, I could always just go pick her up and pet her for a while. She always made me feel better. This is my favorite picture of her, Happy as a pig in shit, about to get a beloved carrot.. She's straining to look over the edge of the aquarium to get the carrot, standing on her hind legs...

I'm truly sorry if I bummed anyone out. Just ignore this entry please.

*Edit* The girl is ok.. She woke up and felt terrible for being asleep when I found my bunny. She's helping me out now with the hard stuff, and thanking me for taking care of her. She's really normally not like that, and I said I'm not ok with that kind of thing.. It really freaks me out.. I think the timing of last night drove that point home even more so...

Baaaaack

2005-12-12T12:41:00.000-06:00

I'm back. Yes, I was only gone to Ottawa for a couple of days, but I was in Regina Saskatchewan for the weekend previous, otherwise known as "gina city" (local rappers here call Winnipeg "Peg city", so I thought Regina should be "Gina city" no?). We were playing a large corporate x-mas party at a place called the "Centre of the Arts" (Which we were calling "The Centre of the ARSE" haw haw) Nothing spectacular to report there.. It was fun.. Another gig.. I'll talk more about it later.

The gig in Ottawa was a career highligh to be sure. The party was the annual AFN (Assembly of First Nations) gala at the Congress Centre. It's attached to the Westin hotel (where we stayed) and and the hotel is attached to a mall. Therefore, I didn't need to go outside at all in the 43 hours I stayed there. Anyway, the bash. It was huge. The dinner was amazing, and the production for the entertainment was top-notch. 2 huge video screens on either side of the stage.

I took this pic from another band-mate's hotel room window.

The main highlight of the thing was getting to play with Mike Reno of the band Loverboy. These guys were really huge in the 80's. We did "Almost Paradise" (From the movie "Footloose" I believe), "Workin' For the Weekend" and "Turn Me Loose" with Mike. For guitar players and bass players alike, the intro to "Turn Me Loose" is right up there with "Smoke On The Water" for a cool part to play. Getting to play that part with Mike Reno singing it was fucking awesome. I don't know how to explain it. Go and listen to that song and you'll know what I mean.

The really cool thing about his appearance at the AFN gala is that it was kind of a surprise. They called him up to the stage, and the crowd was like WTF? By the time we got to "Workin", the crowd was going absolutely nuts. He just held the mic up and the crowd know ALL the words. He totally played with them too. After we did "Almost Paradise", he turned to us and said "So, you guys know any other of my songs? Let's do a couple more..." Mike belted out those tunes with all the intensity and energy he did on the original recordings. And yes, he hit the high note in "Turn Me Loose".

Unfortunately, this is one of the few pics that have both Mike and I in the shot, and it's inexplicably one taken from the video screen.

I got to talk to Mike quite a bit over the time we were there. I think he might have liked talking to me too.. Maybe because I was completely normal around him. I told him a lot of jokes, and had him laughing during the dinner. He told me a few I hadn't heard too. I even got him to tell me a "road story" or 2 after the show, after which I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. It's really surreal to be talking and joking around.. Not to mention GIGGING WITH, a guy you used to see in videos all the time as a kid. A Loverboy song influenced me to start playing guitar. Seriously. He was quite down-to-earth, and quite funny. His story of singing karaoke to one of his own songs was hilarious. (Yes, I asked the question that prompted that story..)

Our disco band played its set, the final one of the night. We kicked serious ass. Cathy St. Germain, formerly of Winnipeg, ended up singing for us on short notice and did an amazing job. It was a good thing, because the person who was supposed to be singing, around whom the whole gig was planned, had to cancel. Since Cathy was already there, it was a no-brainer to get her to cover for us. Without her, we most likely would have been a 5 piece.

We brought Mike Reno up to play drums during our Bee Gee's Medley. I think our drummer Steve, who sings that one, was in heaven. Not only did he get to come up front and sing for a show like that, but he got to have Mike Reno playing his kit.

Mike seemed to really like the band. He told us there was a lot of work for bands like us in the US, and we really should be playing more down there. I think he also liked the fact that we covered his songs quite well.

The after party for the gig was huge too. There was a free bar, a free buffet, and it took place in the penthouse suite of the Westin. The place was packed, and they weren't letting any more people in, but when I knocked on the door, the guy was like.. "Oh, you're the band.. Come on in" after turning away other people just prior to that.

Here's a pic Mike, Cathy, and I after the show. (unfortunately, a reeeeally bad one of me.. oh well...)

Subway Smarts?

2005-12-03T00:25:00.000-06:00

I'm off to the-town-that-rhymes-with-a-female-body-part-and-it's-not-delores Saskatchewan tomorrow AM. (It's not Mulva, Saskatchewan either)

Today, I was in a rush. All my dishes are dirty, so I didn't have anything to eat on anyway. I stopped in at Subway for a quick dinner before heading to rehearsal for the disco band tonight. I happen to looooove toasted tuna subs. I love how the cheese melts on top of the tuna.

Anyway, the "sandwich artist" that made my sub for me looked to be about 17 or so, and I swear she must have been puffin' on 'da herb in the back or something. The conversation went like this:

Her: What can I get for you?
Me: I'll have a 12 inch Tuna on Parmesan Oregeno please.
Her (after she's gone into the bread machine): Was that whole wheat?
Me: No, Parmesan Oregeno please.
Her: Ok. Would you like that toasted?
Me: Yes, please.

Now, she opens up the sub bun, and grabs a stack of Turkey meat.

Me: Uh.. No, that was Tuna please...
Her: I thought you said Turkey.
Me: Uh.. No...

She puts the tuna on the bun, then the cheese. Then she starts to put veggies on it.

Me: Weren't you going to toast it?

She looks pissed off at me now and rolls her eyes.

I'm surprised she got the rest of the sub right.

1 mistake is acceptable. 2 is out of the ordinary... 3 is just not paying attention...

Laterz Blogland...

Oh, by the way, thanks for the comment about my eyes on Steph's blog Stacy. Especially since I haven't had a pic that shows them for months :) It was the only vote I got *sniff sniff*

Just for that.... --------> -------->-------->-------->--------> ---------↑

Overdue Post

2005-12-01T13:30:00.000-06:00

Geez... I haven't posted in quite some time. It's a new record :P

This is bad.. I have no excuse blogland. I simply suck.

Here's what's been going on:

Last night, I was in the studio until 4 am. I have quite forgotten how much I enjoy being in the studio. I was watching the proceedings, taking notes, and helping to produce the track. It was for a friend of mine that I helped write a song with. She's a massage therapist, and she's paying me back with massage in about 1/2 hour or so. Yay! My rotator cuff (shoulder) has been bothering me like crazy lately, and she says this will help. I'm all for that.

I'm headed to a Canadian city in Saskatchewan that rhymes with a certain female body part this weekend, for a one-nighter at some big bash. Next week, I'm off to Ottawa to play a very big gig, quite probably playing a couple of tunes with a famous person, and then flying back to WPG to play another one-nighter the following night. Should be some good $$ for those 3 gigs. After that, I'm off until January. Booo.... Actually, my funk band might have a new year's gig.

Oh.. The girl situation.

Ahh... Fuck.. I don't even know. It's up in the air. There have been 3 in the last month or so, 23, 26, and the latest is 24. The 23 year old was the one that never called me back. The 26 year old is the one that smokes too much and has a kid... I like her, but I don't think it could work.

This latest one is pretty cool, she's got a wicked-assed sense of humour, is quite smart, and has her wits about her. We've been hanging out quite a lot lately, even though we both agreed at first that neither one of us was looking for a relationship. A couple of weeks ago, she invited me out to her family's cabin and basically pampered me for 2 days.

The problem?

I'm not sure I'm ready for any kind of girlfriend. I've been quite happy being single lately, and, I'm a little ashamed to admit, selfish.
I'm just not sure I'm "into" it. I think she's really cool and everything, but I'm not feeling all mushy like I've been known to in the past. I just like hanging out with her and, well... um.. other stuff. She comes over, sometimes spends the night, and we have a lot of fun.

Oh well... In the meantime, my life is still incredibly busy and stressful as always. It seems like everyone wants something from me. The girl is not demanding of my time or anything.. She just sends me cute text messages with some sort of dirty theme, and comes over once in a while. (Although it was most of this last weekend)

I guess what's bothering me is I don't want to be leading anybody on or anything. I know we've both talked about the "no relationship" thing, but some of my female friends have been telling me that often girls say or agree to that, but actually want a relationship anyway. I don't know... I guess we'll see how it goes.

Y'know, it's wierd... If you tell a girl that you really like her, and that you'd really like to see her again, she's gone. Never calls back. But if you tell a girl you're not into a relationship, she'll want to see you all the time. Then you end up with all kinds of text messages and phone calls.

Girls defy logic. I still can't figure 'em out.

Blogthings

2005-11-24T17:09:00.000-06:00

I don't normally do these, but a couple of them were interesting:

You Are Not Scary
Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...
But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself.
You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.
You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

2005-11-20T18:47:00.000-06:00

I got tagged by Stacy The rules are as follows: Remove the blog at No. 1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot;

2. Oh So Wonderful
3. Blog By Force
4. Kick in the Pants
5. A Goofy Ass Emotional Chick & Her Prerogative
5. Therapeutic Rants

Next: select five new friends at random to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

Steph
Hez
Erin
Wkax
Kapu (wherever he is..)

What were you doing ten years ago?

In November of 1995, I was playing in the same band I'm playing in now (well, half the band anyway, same name..). Ick. I need to do something new. Actually, I didn't play in this band for a good number of years whilst we raked in the ca$hola with the disco band. I was also living in this very apartment with Broadzilla the evil one.

What were you doing one year ago?

One year ago, I was doing pretty much what I'm doing now. Teaching Web design, playing in bands, etc.. However, I wasn't nearly in the shape that I'm in now. I was either contemplating, or had already signed up for a gym membership. I was also working on my relationship with "a" trying to fix it, paying $$ for counselling and such.

What were you doing yesterday?

Yesterday was spent watching a movie, "The Machinist", and sitting in a Hot tub outside. I also ate some leftover pasta and chicken sauce, did um.. other things, and was generally spoiled at a nice little cabin in Grand Beach. I came back to town, then went to a party with some friends. Weekend off! W0ot!

Five snacks you enjoy?

Cozy shack rice pudding. (Almost better than sex..)
Pudding (any flavour of the Jell-O "cooked" kind)
Almonds (and almonds in almost anything..)
Chocolate
Ice Cream - Particularly a Pecan Mudslide from Dairy Queen.

Five songs to which you know all the words

(actually, seeing as I'm a singer in a band, I know the words to hundreds. Here's my 5 current faves instead:)

Mushaboom - Feist
Bless My Soul - Powderfinger
Calling - Taproot
High and Dry - Radiohead
One Thing - Amerie

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire

Invest most of it and live off the interest.
Buy lots of really cool cars.
Buy a nice house.
Travel.
Never worry about money anymore.

Five bad habits

Time management (being late, procrastinating)
Not sleeping enough.
Talking too much.
Not returning phone calls and emails when I get swamped.
Blogging instead of working ;P

Five things you like doing

Sex
Working Out (includes anything physical, like kickboxing, rollerblading, cycling, but not sex (see above))
Watching movies (in a theater, but also on DVD)
Socializing.
Video Games

Five things you would never wear again (never?)

Leather pants
Cowboy boots
Printed Silk Shirts
Hair
My heart on my sleeve

Five favorite toys

My Dodge Magnum
My bitchin' computer
My iPod Nano
My Canon Digital Rebel SLR
My Bike

2 Years...

2005-11-18T03:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I renewed my life insurance policy.

For the record, I don't have a large stinkin' million dollar plan or anything crazy like that.. Those are dangerous... Sure, just give people a reason to have you taken out. I have a simple, $15 per month plan that gives my Mom and my step-dad enough to pay for a decent funeral, pay off my shit, and have enough for maybe a trip to Mexico or something.

Problem is, the plan was about to go up drastically next year when it ended. Therefore, I signed up for a new one that won't cost as much.

The insurance dude came back today to have me sign some more papers. As he was leaving, he mentioned something about a "2 year suicide period".. I'm like, "what?" He said there is a provision that if you off yourself within 2 years of new policy, you (or more specifically, your beneficiaries) don't get squat.

HOWEVER, after the 2 years, it's fair game. Apparently I can - after the 2 years - off myself and the policy would pay out. Is it just me, or does this seem kind of morbid?

So if I was ever going to jump in front of a bus, jump off my balcony, or go tipping over biker gang motorcycles, I would either have to do it right away before the new policy kicks in, or just over 2 years from now.

Personally, I would have thought that insurance companies would never cover you for that type of thing. The fact that they do gives me the heeby jeebies.

It Never Rains... It Pours...

2005-11-14T13:32:00.001-06:00

Well, I officially DON'T have girl problems anymore. I'm not sure why, but I have a theory.

My theory is: When you break up with somebody, your body goes through "girl withdrawl". All the female hormones that you absorbed while in close proximity to a female are leeched out of your system. After a while, girls around you sense this lack of girl pheremones, and are immediately turned off. They avoid you like the plague. This turns into a bit of a spiral, and the less you get, the less you get. Once you find yourself in close proximity (and I mean really close) with a girl, you once again get a dose of girl pheremones. Other girls can now sense this, and it makes them more attracted to you. The more combinations of these pheremones that enter your body, the more they just don't leave you alone.

Or...

Maybe I'm just more confident.

My theory is more entertaining though, no? (Even though it's complete bullshit...)

Or...

It's my cologne. Seriously guys.. "Pi" by Givenchy (π). I get sooo much attention from that stuff.. Everytime I'm close to a girl (usually dancing or giving a hug), I get an extra squeeze, accompianied by, "Damn.. You smell REALLY GOOD". Every. Single. Time. I'm not kidding. The girl from 3 weeks ago actually told me, "mmm.. If I smell that one more time, I'm going to have to jump you right here..."

Last weekend at the bar was once again... Interesting.

Thursday night:

When a holiday like Remembrance Day happens on a Friday, it's pretty much a guarantee that Thursday night will be insane, and so it was. The place we played was one of the more popular clubs in town, with lots and lots of "beautiful people". Doesn't seem to matter that the same bar was open on Friday too, everyone still came out on Thursday.

My friend "T" brought one of her best friends to the bar. "T" is a bit of a social butterfly, so she was constantly doing the rounds and talking to all kinds of people, leaving her friend at the table. A couple of times, I went and hung out with the friend to keep her company. We got along pretty well, she was quite funny, and seemed to find me so as well. I asked "T" about her, and was told she had a boyfriend. Oh well.. I didn't pursue any further. She (the friend) asked me what I was drinking and went to the bar specifically to buy me a drink.

Well, as we were playing our last set, I noticed "T"'s friend coming up to the stage. She left a folded up piece of paper under my floor pedal. I figured she wanted to request a song or something. After the set, I read the note, which went something like "I just wanted you to know that I find you extremely attractive, but I have a boyfriend. If I didn't, I would most likely be doing something about that attraction. I just wanted to let you know that.. Take it as a compliment" (I left out parts to keep it short.) I can't tell you how much this one little note made my whole damn night. It was so sweet.

I ended up being dragged onto the dance floor by another extremely hot girl who I'd noticed earlier. She said "You look like you need to dance". I can't tell you how much I love this kind of aggressiveness. (From the right person, that is..) We danced (more like groped?) for 4-5 songs, then she went of with her friends for drinks. I think I was supposed to follow. The crowd was too large, and I coudn't locate her again. No matter... She knew where to find me..

I noticed "T" looking rather down in the dumps, so instead of chatting up more women (or looking for the dancing girl), I sat down and talked to her about stuff. I gave her a ride home, and a stop for fast food on the way. Friends are important to me. Especially when they bring other cute friends (haha).

Friday:

The night wasn't as busy as Thursday, but it was still pretty full. Another female friend, "B" brought HER friend to the bar. I talked to her for a while, and she ended up buying me a drink too. I think at the end of the night, we were all supposed to meet up at another friend's place, but I needed food, so I took this new friend "N" out for a bite to eat at Perkin's.

While I was out for eats with "N", I noticed that my phone had about 5 or 6 text messages from "K" (from the week before), inviting me over, and promising to "make it worth my while". I tried to message her back, but I guess she'd already gone to bed. There was a voicemail from her as well.

We drove to the supposed "party" but couldn't get hold of anyone inside ("B" forgot to keep her cellphone on her) and so "N" invited me back to her place for a drink. She didn't want to drive (smart move) and she didn't live too far away.

"N" is pretty cool. Very nice is a good way to describe her. She wants to be a lawyer, and is about to enter law school. She seems a little on the shy side. I like her.

Saturday:

"N" came out again, and I mostly hung out with her and her friends, who took an instant liking to me I think. I'm not sure what she told them....

Now, both Friday AND Saturday, I noticed a younger girl (meh.. They're ALL younger) standing near my side of the stage. Every time I looked over at her, she had a really big smile, and was staring at me rather intensely. It was kind of creeping me out. She wasn't really my type, but wasn't fugly or anything... Anyway, I smiled back at her, as I usually try to do while being a perfomer on stage. She cornered me on my way out after the set, so I introduced myself. That was it. I didn't say anything else really. I went about my business.

This girl just kept smiling at me a giving me these intense looks all night. When it was obvious that I was kind of ignoring her, she looked rather annoyed at the end of the night.

Saturday, she came out again, and was doing the same damn thing. Everytime I looked out into the crowd, I got these intense eyes staring me down again...

I said "hi" again, and she said "Do you remember my name?"

I said, "Yes" and I told it to her.

She seemed to get quite excited that I remembered her name. I couldn't help but remember it. It's same as Broadzilla's name... Forever etched into my psyche.

"So, what are you doing after?"

I shrugged, "I dunno..."

"You're coming out (to party)". (was this a command?)

"Maybe," I said.

"No, you're coming out".

hmmmm....

"Come talk to me after?"

"um.. Sure..."

"Promise?"

"ok"

Anyway, she kind freaked me out, so I ignored her again, and she looked pretty pissed off once again... Oh well. I ended up dancing with "N", and she mentioned to me that some girl was giving her really nasty looks. Aaaaagghhhh....

On another note, I became aware that NOT EVERYONE likes my "look". I noticed 2 girls dancing in front of us, talking about something. One of them questioningly pointed up at me.. I think she was saying "You mean that one?". The second girl looked up at me and made a face, shaking her head, not realizing right away that I was watching this transpire... She noticed that I saw her reaction, and right away tried smiling at me. I think I just frowned at her. Now, everytime I made eye contact with this one, she tried to smile at me again. Whatever, beyotch.

After the set, she tried soooo hard to get our drummer (who was the one she was obviously wanting) to dance (or something) with her, and he kept refusing her. I thought it was funny. Then she turned to me and asked me if I needed help packing up my stuff. Hahaha, whatever...

Funny thing is, just a few months ago, being dissed like that might have gotten me down. However, due to all the other things going on with me, it didn't shake me one single bit. In fact, I found it funny.

Sunday:

What a crappy night. The bar wasn't nearly as busy as usual.. I think because too many people took advantage of the extra party night, and were too pooped by Sunday. It's really too bad, because we pulled out 3 new songs, and that band sounded better than ever before. My Sunday band is sooooooo awesome. It really puts the regular weekend band to shame.

Third set, I got a note plopped in front of me: "My friend thinks you're hot." Normally this would be kind of cool, but a quick scan of the (sparse) patrons in the place was rather disappointing. There was no-one in the bar that I wanted to find me "hot".

So, if you've managed to make it this far, you're probably wondering what the deal is with "N". Well, she's kind of attractive and very nice, but I've told her I'm not looking for a relationship, that I'm just into "dating" people casually right now, and she's perfectly ok with that. We'll see how that goes. Meanwhile, I still have "K" from last week calling me, and I'm possibly hooking up on Thursday with another friend who is leaving the country for good in a couple of weeks. She's extremely gorgeous.

Being single can be fun folks. As another blogger recently pointed out, "Single is the new black".

I don't want to be seen as a "Player" though, so I'm just staying as honest as possible with everybody. I think that a "player" tries to tell girls lies, and tries to decieve them in some way. I'm just telling everyone I date or hang out with that I'm not looking for anything serious right now. That way, I hope no-one thinks I'm a big turd. It's really not what I thought I'd be doing, but after getting my heart broken last year, going through hell for most of this year and getting burned a few weeks ago, this is what I really need right now. I'm happy.

wo0t!

EDIT (May 28, 2009):

I've been going through some of these old posts to try to find info on where I played over the years (for financial purposes), and this blog has been great to figure out where I was playing.

I seriously doubt anyone would be reading this, but for posterity: I've been living with "N" for a couple years now. She's really awesome, loyal, and we're probably gonna get hitched sometime soon.

Remembering

2005-11-11T16:21:00.002-06:00

Today is Remembrance Day

It has special meaning to me, because the war affected my grandparents in so many ways.

I'd like to once again acknowledge my Grandfather.

He was a tank gunner in the Canadian forces. He spent a lot of time in a Sherman tank. I remember him telling me all about the sherman tank. There is one on display here in Winnipeg, and I remember him pointing it out to me many a time as a youngster.

He always seemed to speak of his time in the forces with pride. When I was young, they way he talked about it, you'd think he never ever had to shoot that large gun that he was in charge of during the war. However, when I got a bit older, he told me about some of the stories he wouldn't tell me as a kid. He had one story in particular about how they fought a German Panzer that was hiding in a hay bale.

My Grandmother's first husband was also in the war, and also rode in a tank. He died in a tragic accident that left my Grandma widowed with 2 boys and a girl. A few years after the war, my Grandpa, then a swinging bachelor, married my Grandma and they had 2 more girls. One of those was my Mom.

I miss Grandpa a lot. I know he was very fond of me, just because of the way his eyes always lit up whenever I came for a visit. I think he was always quite proud of my accomplishments. He always let me know in his own way. In fact, he was one of the first people who told me I should make money playing music. Grandpa loved to come out and watch me perform whenever he could. Grandma too. Even though I'm SURE they both hated the style of music.

I miss them both. I considered myself lucky to have gotten as much time with them as I did. They were both great people.

In previous years for Remembrance Day (Veteran's Day for Americans), I would rent as graphic a WWII movie as I could find (one year it was "Saving Private Ryan") and watch it, trying to appreciate the horrors that those young men had to endure. This year, I won't have the time because I'll be gigging tonight, so this is my tribute.

Peace.

Who Needs a Girlfriend?

2005-11-08T01:59:00.000-06:00

Exactly.

Apparently, single is in.

There are girls everywhere, and I shouldn't be worrying so much about snaggin' me one.

Tonight, I talked for a while with the girl I was hanging out with on Saturday, and I'm going over for a visit on Thursday. I also talked for a bit to "T" who cleaned my apartment. Not only that, I got a call from yet another girl who might come out to see me this weekend.

Geez, after a huge long drought, things are looking up. My self-confidence is at an all-time high.

I think my one-night-stand and subsequent "date" of 2 weeks ago pushed me over the edge. It really managed to get me down the the girl didn't call me back. Now, I've rebounded. I reeeeeeefuuuuuuuse to be put in that position again. I promise you blogverse.. never again. (I hope) She still hasn't called back by the way, but that's ok. I met yet another one, and there are more possibilities besides that.

I know, I know.. This was never what I wanted to do originally. I have big-time morals. Right now though, this is what I need. I've never done anything like this before. I need to turn the tables. I realize that if I DO meet someone I want to settle down with in relationship land, I'll fuck it up again by wanting it to much, like I probably did recently. If I can manage to date a bunch at a time, I won't get too emotionally involved with anybody.

I'm sick of feeling like crap. You can only feel like crap for so long before you start wanting to DO something about it.

I guess the big turning point came this past weekend when I got more attention. First from the girl who managed to get cappuccino thrown at my car, and then second from my "new friend" that I ended up making out with on Saturday. I was completely honest with her, and I told her I'm not into anything "serious" right now. I don't think it would work for us anyway, we're too different, and she has a kid. However, she's a lot of fun, and very attracted to me. I really, really need to learn how to actually be casual while casually dating, so I think this is all helping me.

This weekend, I'm playing the other big meat market in town. The place is packed most of the time, and I KNOW I'll meet some more women. I'm going to get some more numbers, and keep this ball rolling. I'm starting to actually like being single.

I think I need to practise some restraint though. I need to stop thinking that "this might be the last chance for sex I'll ever have before I'm old and drooling and in a wheelchair." I've already proved that I can be really good at "the tease", so I think I want to get more of that happening. Woohoo.. Get 'em worked up, then leave 'em hanging. They'll be calling me back then, won't they? Muhahahahaha....

This works out for me in more ways than one: I didn't blog about this, but I recently found out that certain essential body parts (Which I won't mention by name... ) aren't really all that comfortable around "new people".. I don't think this is anything new for me. I happened with my first time for fuck's sake. I was only 22. It just shy I guess.. It takes a while to "warm up" to somebody. It DID manage to do its job for a while 2 weeks ago, but then it "lost interest" after a while. It could also be that I'm not used to a condom. I've only had girlfriends for the last 10 years. None of them required a condom. No matter, if I just do the "fooling around" thing, it will work out better anyway. I haven't lost my touch in other ways.

For anyone who's been following my blog for a long time, please do not worry about me. I'm still the "nice guy" I always was.. But I really need to stop feeling like shit all the time. I think that doing more of the casual thing will get me into the "I don't care" mindset, which will benefit me when (or if) I ever meet someone who is right for me... Then I will once again turn ALL my attention to the one girl, and I will be the ever-so-faithful boyfriend. However, I think I'm going to make any girl WORK for that kind of attention.

Self esteem is a lovely thing. It's what I've really been missing for all these years.

In the meantime, I'm really wishing that the one from 2 weeks ago would call me back.. She was really hot, and I'd like to show her a good time. Hey.. Now that I don't give a shit anymore, I should just call her. Who needs to play games when you don't care whether or not she'll go out with you on a more permanent basis?

Living the Lava (non) Life

2005-11-07T12:51:00.000-06:00

A quick thought before I proceed:

I don't know what's up with the crap that people are downloading on to their hard drives, but this is ridiculous. I'm trying to download a rather-famous song by a rather-famous band, on my *ahem* special version of Kazaa. (no spyware, thanks...) I have now downloaded 10 different versions of the same song, and they are all duds. They show up as anywhere to 16 to 22 minutes long (impossible) and are completely blank. This means I have to note the file size, and NOT download another one exactly that size. This happens fairly often these days. I'm thinking that record companies are doing this to discourage downloading.

Whatever.

I don't want to get into a debate about the ethics of downloading MP3's, except to quickly say that most musicians are being "raped" by the assorted record companies, and if you knew the exact percentage of signed bands that actually make any money, you'd cry.

Anyway. I must keep trying to download this file, so I can learn it, play it at my gig, and then people will want to go out and buy the CD because now they remember it. So there. It's not really "stealing" if you look at it that way is it?

On to my intended topic.

By now, everyone is most likely familiar with that most famous online dating service that might have been mentioned in my subject line.

I joined this service soon after my breakup with "the ex", hoping to do some casual dating to take my mind off my broken heart, and to try to meet people that I wouldn't meet in bars. I found what I thought was a cool picture of myself, wrote up what I thought was a nice, not-too-desperate sounding description of me, and put it up for the world to see.

It was ok at first, I made a few friends on the system, no dates or anything though. Then I started to get attention in the form of "smiles" (the free way to show interest). Most of the smiles I was getting were from divorced mothers-of-4-kids, who were usually older than me. Sorry, but there has to be some attraction yo... I'm not looking for absolute super-model perfection here, but geez.. at LEAST as good looking, and at least in as good shape as me would be nice.

At this point, I always hear my Mom's voice in my head: "Looks shouldn't matter so much..." I have been having this argument with my Mom for years... Every time I'm single. Her idea of girls I should date always strikes a bitter chill into my soul. Yeah sure.. They're nice girls.. but fugly. (I love that word.. Don't you?)

Anyway, yeah. I'm goddamn superficial. Bite me. So is everyone else.

Back to the online dating thing. Smiles are free. They are also considered "cheap" if the dude sends one. Apparently the best thing to do is to send an actual message, which costs "credits", which you have to buy. I sent out messages to the girls I found interesting, etc etc. I got back a few replies, but nothing really came of it. A few girls contacted me, but again, nothing I wanted to pursue.

Things got out of hand one night at a popular watering hole I was gigging at when a girl came up to me and recognized me from the service. Not only that, but I noticed a couple other vaguely familiar girls pointing at me while I was on stage and nodding. That very night, I set my profile to "non-public".

So this last month, I decided to go back into the online thang with gusto. I uploaded a new pic (one that I have been told by others is a good one), re-did my blurb, and tried sending out a few letters. I actually sent out 10 I think. How many replies did I get back this time? None.

Is there something about my profile that is code for "axe-murderer" or something? I don't get it. I have been getting hit on like crazy in the bar, no problems at all. In the past, I always thought it might be the age thing, that maybe they just pass me over because of that, but this last go-around I sent out messages to a few who were 30+. Still nothing.

This makes absolutely no sense to me. Is there something I'm missing completely? What would be very helpful is to have an "in". Somebody that uses online dating that can talk to me outside the system, and maybe explain this to me.

Not that I'm extremely bothered by this right now. I play in well-known bands around town, and I'm getting more female attention than I've ever gotten before. I think I'm learning to "play the game" a little better too. I'm still being me, and still being 100% honest with people, but I'm finally starting to have fun, which is something I have sorely needed to do for a long time. This weekend should be more fun yet. I'm starting to think that I don't even want a relationship at this point. Yes, part of me still does, but I really am enjoying the attention I'm getting.

And if anyone here is a veteran of these online dating things and wants to help me to figure out why I have so little success with it, email me and help me out. I would be ever so appreciative.

Cappuccino??

2005-11-05T10:39:00.000-06:00

I was expecting last night at the bar to be rather uneventful. This place is kind of hurtin' and not a lot of people go to it. The crowd is usually older, beer swilling types watching the TV screen. Last night wasn't bad though. It wasn't a big crowd, but there was a nice sized, appreciative crowd there, and actually a few nice looking girls.

I did a bit of playful flirting off the stage with a group of 3 who positioned themselves right next to my side of the stage (hey, it's my job...). Interestingly enough, all three of these girls were named "Katherine", but all spelled differently, and they have more friends with the same name. They should start a club.

I ended up hanging out with a buddy's female friend, who is rather on the hot, tall 'n' blonde side... But not flirting too much because I'm not quite sure what their situation is. I think he likes her, but they're just friends. Anway, she seemed like she was flirting with me a lot, in a touchy-feely kind of way, but I kept it light and did things like dance with her.

End of the night comes, and she was pretty wasted. I ended up giving the 2 of them a ride home.

We were driving down a particular street, and we saw an older wood panelled station wagon. I kind of jokingly made some remark like "Ya, my station wagon's cooler than yours".. She got into this a little too much..

I ended up next to the station wagon at a stop light. I looked over at her, and she was swearing at the guy, and giving him the finger. I said "Hey, stop it! Why are you doing that?" Her friend in the back seat was doing the same. She kept it up. I think this girl has anger issues.

Anyway, by the next stop light, I'm beside the dude again. She once again gives him the finger. Now, this dude is PISSED. I was gesturing at him to ignore her, and saying sorry, but by this time he was hanging out of the car window, screaming at us. It's a damn good thing for the window lock security button.

Just as the light turned green, he threw something at my magnum. I think it was a cappuccino.. A really sugary one. My entire windshield and passenger window were coated with mocha coloured gooey mess.

So while my friend and I were asking her "Why the hell did you do that? Do you realize that if you did that in a larger city, you might have gotten us shot at?" she apologized profusely and tried to give me a dollar for the car wash.

I know this girl, and she's quite nice when sober, but geez.. when she drinks it's not pretty. I hope the cappuccino comes off.. I'm going to have to wash the car today.

It's a Mystery

2005-11-04T10:44:00.000-06:00

It's now been over a week.

I hate the fact that I've been turned into "the girl" here. (no offence girls)

To recap, I had what seemed like a really good date, with a healthy amount of laughter and heavy making out, only to be told "I'll call you next week". Technically, I guess it's still next week, but after this weekend, it's not "next week" anymore. Why, oh why, would a girl do that?

I've been really good. I haven't called except once on Sunday. I just left a short message. All I said was "Hey.. Just wanted to say 'Hi' and 'was 'sup' and stuff. Talk to you later". I told her where I was gigging that night, and that was that. Nothing too much.

She still hasn't called me back. Fuck, what's wrong with me? Most guys would say, "so what? you got sex.. you should be happy". Not me.. not Mr. Way-too-fucking-sensitive-for-his-own-good.

I wanted to see her again. I'm not sure if I wanted a relationship with her, although we managed to do a fair amount of conversing somewhere between the festivities, and I did get to know her a fair amount... I do know that I'd like to at least TRY to date her, and see where it went, and at the very least, have more sex and/or making out.

The making out part on was almost better than the sex. This is going to sound strange, but I think I had completely forgotten, after so many years, what a real girl was like. I had wondered for years if there was something wrong with me, or if all the things I'd ever learned how to do to turn a woman on didn't really work on anyone. It was absolutely wonderful to feel that again. I teased the hell out of her on Wednesday, and she even thanked me for it.

Maybe that's what's going on. I got a taste of it, (pardon the pun) and now I want more. I'm not good at one night stands, I realize that now. That was the first one I've had since 1998, and the 1998 one almost doesn't count, because I got so nervous that nothing "real" happened.

I'd be happy just to get regular nookie from her, although I DO think she's a really cool, smart, and attractive, and would like something more to happen.

Or maybe I just got played. Maybe she got what she wanted.. Maybe that's all she wanted. A lay. Maybe I was just used. Maybe she took all that teasing I gave on Wednesday and screwed somebody else. Maybe I think too much.

Or maybe she likes me, and that fact scares her. Oh well. after this weekend, it's officially been more than "a week" and I won't ever expect a call.

She was number 10. The oh-so-special number 10. I'm officially double digits. Now, I can either wait with the next one, and NOT sleep with her right away, or I can go out and have more one-night-stands. I think I'm leaning towards option #1. Although it's going to take a frikkin' MOUNTAIN of self control to just say "no" when a girl is ripping off my pants.

I'm wishing I had more self control that night. Maybe then I'd have someone hounding me with phone calls and "when can I see you again". That would be nice.

In any event.

I haven't caved in. I didn't call more than the one time. That officially absolves me of the "weren't you supposed to call ME?" ploy.. I called on Sunday. She didn't return my call. After this weekend, she's officially the asshole.

Ok, I caved. I sent her a text message this morning that said

"Hey there ____. I was just thinking of you and wanted to say 'Hi'. Are you going to call me some time this year or what? :P Just kidding. Hope things are well..."

I'm not even sure she will get that, because I don't know if her cell service supports texting. Some don't. I never got a "message sent" display, so I'm thinking it didn't go through.

So if it did send, I kept it light. Almost in a playful teasing kind of way, which was what I was all about when I was around her. Maybe she just thinks I'm full of shit.

No matter. After this weekend if she doesn't call like she said she would, I will put this behind me and think of it no more.

Damn it all... I'm so much the girl when it comes to this stuff... I wish I could just NOT GIVE A SHIT. That would be nice. Then I would feel better.

Note To Self...

2005-11-04T02:46:00.000-06:00

Note To Self:

Never. Ever. EVER have a "Red Bull" energy drink at 12:30 AM at the bar. Even if someone else thinks it's ok. Just never do it.

Yes, that's what I did last night (Wed. night). I came home, stared at my computer screen for a bit, then started to fall asleep. Cool, I thought.. Maybe tonight I will finally get some real sleep.

But Nooooooo

I woke up 2 hours later, and couln't get back to sleep at all. I think I managed to get a couple more hours in there somewhere.. but for the most part I lie away wide awake.

Reb Bull @ Night = Baaaaaaad

Halloweeny

2005-10-31T13:27:00.000-06:00

Another Halloween has come and gone. (For me anyway, all my Halloween gigs are on the weekend)

I recycled last year's redneck costume, because I was too lame to go out and get something cool. Well, for Sunday night anyway, Saturday's gig was with the disco band, and we are already in costume :)

Yes, that's me wearing a 'fro. We do that in the disco band. Embarrassing isn't it?

That gig was a little on the depressing side. Our band leader got rather sauced and once again said inappropriate things on the mic, and the crowd, while very appreciative, was quite small.

Sunday was a lot more interesting. My Sunday gig, which I have been doing regularly since 1994, never ceases to amaze. Despite all the years I've been there, there's always something new that's never happened before. This time, we had some really drunk dude who looked like he had no legs, and in a wheelchair, (not a costume) wheeling himself around amongst the dancers in front of the stage. Not such a big deal. Except that he was waving around a large hammer that he took from the girl with the firefighter costume. I was just waiting for the hammer to drop (haha).

Not only that, but several times, he started boogie-ing so hard that he fell right out of his wheelchair. I was shocked the first time, because I thought he might be hurt, but no... He kept boogie-ing while lying incapacitated on the floor. Some people helped him back into his wheelchair, which he promptly fell out of again. By the third time, he was starting to lose his pants. I think he was enjoying it to tell the truth. I think they cut him off.

The costumes at the place were quite amazing. This guy walked in just after the costume contest.

Don't I look like I'm about to bite his ear off?

Painful

2005-10-30T12:17:00.000-06:00

So last night, as I'm packing up my now defunct laptop that I had attempted to use to play a really great playlist I had put together for between sets (good thing I opted for the 3 year Dell "Complete Care" warranty), I was putting a disk away in my laptop bag when I noticed a folded up piece of paper. Curious as to what it was, I unfolded it and read it.

It was a letter I had written to my ex. It was dated April 28, 2004. Just over 7 months before we broke up, while she was still away at school. It was a break-up letter. I had completely forgotten that I had written it. I sat there on a box and read it. I can't believe how pained I sounded. I had written her this very heartfelt letter, explaining that I loved her, but I couldn't handle things anymore the way they were. The letter starts out:

"This letter is something I’ll probably never send you, but it is a letter that I am supposed to write to make myself feel better about things."

I guess I never did show it to her. I had brought it with me when I went to see her at school in another city, and I kept it with me in my computer bag for God-knows-why. It led me to question: Why didn't I end it when I should have? I might have been so much further ahead than I am right now... I had forgotten how messed up I was in the middle of things. I totally remember being very messed up after the breakup (This blog is a testament to that), but I had quite forgotten how messed up I was during the relationship. I don't have the courage to show the letter quite yet.. I don't think anyone has ever seen it.

When I turned on the computer today (my working one..), I looked for some more "journal" type things I had written down in the past. Whoooooo.. I was one fucked up dude, let me tell you... Some of them date back to 1998, when I was hung up on a girl, and she was tormenting me to no end. It was very eye-opening to read some of those. I also found a couple I had written just before I took to the blogverse in early January of this year. I was apparently having a hell of a time sleeping properly all through December and January.

I came to the realization that I'm NOT going to go through that again. I'm a very sensitive individual, and I need to just STOP being that way. I just need to learn how to be an uncaring asshole, like so many other dudes are able to do. Why is that so hard for me? I really don't want to be the guy who gets hurt all the time anymore. Maybe this is why so many people are the way they are. They've been hurt in the past because they felt too much, and they just don't ever want to feel that way again. Guys turn into the types who don't call when they're supposed to, and act indifferent to their girlfriends. Girls turn into the types that remain distant, and self-destruct their own relationships. Or both sexes wind up in a string of short meaningless relationships, and don't invest very much of themselves so that they won't get hurt. I think I completely understand all this. I just need to learn to "play the game".

After reading my own letters to myself, and to others, I realize that I can't end up like that again. I know "it is better to have loved and lost", and all that rot, but that kind of pain has to be one of the worst kinds of emotional pain a person can go through.

But the alternative is to end up alone, which frankly scares the shit out of me.

Games?

2005-10-29T10:57:00.000-05:00

Bah.

I hate this stuff.

I'm not good at it, I'm severely out of practice, and I really don't remember how to do the "dating" thing.

Maybe that's because I've hardly ever done it.

Let's see, if I think back on my "successful" relationships (ones that lasted more than a few months), they all kind of bypassed the dating games. It was usually a matter of either being suckered into a relationship (broadzilla), or having sex right away, which made for a new girlfriend. Every time I tried to "date" someone, it failed miserably. Except my most recent ex... We started off slow, and if I had the choice, I would do it that way again.

So. This brings me to the present.

Last Saturday, I finished set 2 during a particularly wild night at a local club, and a a girl who had been dancing next to me on stage motioned for me to come and dance with her.

Almost immediately, I noticed her friend. Luckily, the first girl left us together, and I ended up dancing with the one I liked. We talked, danced, then went to get a drink. We spent 1/2 hour in the line up for the bar, and got to talking quite a bit. I like her. She's smart, educated, very cute, and very articulate. We hung out until I had to go back to work for set 3. I told her to come find me after the set. She gave me a kiss (a nice one), and grabbed my butt as I walked away.

The last set was more debauchery, with about 12 girls on stage grinding with whichever band member they could find. 2 young "punker" girls monopolized my side of the stage, and kept slapping my ass.. Hard... Damn...

After the set "M", came to find me, as I'd asked her. She was a little more drunk than before, but we danced some more.. After the lights came on, we ended up making out a bit. Her friends had left her, and I told her I could give her a ride. She was hungry, and I suggested food. She wanted pizza. I told her I could make her some pizza at my place. To my surprise, there was no hesitation at all on her part. She agreed to the pizza.

So she helped me with my gear, and we came back here. (hey, that rhymes) We hung out here for quite a while, and things ended up, well... Ok, she stayed the night.

The age thing never came up until the morning. Funny thing is, she thought I was around 27, and I thought SHE was around 27. She was only 23. Big age difference, but she said it didn't matter to her.. It was just a number.

So as we're lying there, I said, "Um, do you maybe want to actually do a real 'date' sometime this week?" She said that sounded like a good idea, and we went out for breakfast.

(Ok, there's a whole lot I'm leaving out here, but phhhhht.. A guy's gotta keep SOME things to himself...)

We set a date for Wednesday, and I drove her home. Almost right away, I started to consult with my female friends about what to do next. I liked this girl, despite the fact that things happened so fast (We both said that was something we never normally do...), and I didn't want to royally fuck it up. Anyway, they said I shouldn't call her 'till Tuesday, when we could set up the details of the date. She must be playing the same game, because she called me Tuesday before I could call her.

She said she couldn't be out too late, so we should do an early movie. We had a nice conversation on the phone, and we seem to be able to both talk about anything, and keep each other laughing.

Wednesday came, and I picked her up to go to the movie. We couldn't get into the one we agreed upon, so we picked another. It's been so long since I went on this kind of date, I wasn't sure what to do. I'm used to my 2 most recent exes, both of whom eschewed any kind of "PDA" (Public Displays of Affection). Therefore I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hold her hand or anything. We did hold hands on the way out of the theater, and she came back to my place for a drink.

No nookie this time, but there was some seriously heavy making out.. She said she really had to get home to do some studying. We cut things short, and I drove her home. We really seem to get along well, and there seems to be some big attraction going on.

Then, as she was about to get out of the car, I said "Wait, when do you want to get together again?" I asked what she was doing over the weekend, and she said she had some plans already. She said "I'll give you a call next week".

NEXT WEEK?? What's up with that? It was only Wednesday... I wanted to see her sooner that THAT.... Fuck... I know she's a student, and very busy with school..

So I once again consulted my friends, and apparently this is completely normal "dating" behaviour. It seemed to me like she was trying to blow me off or something. So I asked them when I should call her. I got several completely different recommendations:

My guy friend "B", who is currently enjoying many "booty calls" and other attention from numerous girls, said I shouldn't sweat it. Don't call her. Let her call me.. In the meantime, I should be going out and getting more of the same. As many as I can. He said "Get 2 more going, and you'll be set for the next month..." Um, Ok.. sure...
My female friend "D" said I should call Saturday, and that everything sounds good. She doesn't think the girl was blowing me off. She wholeheartedly disagreed with "B" (above).
My female friend "N" also thinks that everything is cool, and I shouldn't call her 'till Sunday. She thinks the girl likes me, and wants to take things slowly now, as opposed to last Saturday. She also disagrees with "B" but not as much it seems...
Another guy friend (not as much as a "ladies man" as "B") thinks that since SHE told me she was going to call me next week, I should NOT call her at all. He said "If you call her before she calls you now, you look like a loser".

FUCK! I hate this shit. I hate games. If someone likes me, just fucking SAY it! (Well, she did kind of say it...) She did see me again, so it's more than just a one-night-stand, but like I said, I DO like her (I told her that too..) and I want to see more of her.

I went out to the local pickup bar with some friends last night, and felt like a complete piece of meat. I got a lot of compliments on my body. Meh. Whatever, I think I still have a ways to go, but then again I'm always surrounded by perfect bodybuilder types at the gym. I've never gotten this much attention in my life. The girl from last weekend also made a lot of comments about my phsyique. Whatever. I want to be liked for who I am.. having girls actually like my body is a completely new thing for me. I'm not sure how I am with it...

Anyway, do normal "dating game" rules still apply when you've already seen each other naked? Am I supposed to be calling her anyway? Should I be playing things this cool? Fuck, I don't know. I'm just doing what people are telling me to. Maybe she's got people telling her the same things. Who knows? At this point, I'd really like her to know I'm interested in more than just sex. I feel bad because I think I made it obvious during the last make-out session that I'd really like more of that (sex).. I was really trying (in a fun way) to get her to stay over again.

Any advice on this dating crap would be greatly appreciated. I know that mostly girls read this blog anyway, so maybe they have some advice for me. I'm completely lost. I don't want to fuck this one up... It's got me confused, and maybe a little down about this. I'm not good at these games. I think I'm going to go and pick up a book called "The Game" and read it.

More Fun...

2005-10-25T22:23:00.000-05:00

First of all, my date is still on for tomorrow. I just talked to her and we had another great conversation. I'm still unsure what I really want, and I don't know this person well enough to know if she's going to be my next future ex-girlfriend, but time will tell. I like what I see so far.

The question is, do I really want to be in another relationship? I know, I know.. Anyone who's been reading this blog since the beginning knows I went from bitching and whining about how great my ex was (who was she again?) to bitching and whining about not getting any dates, and now I've done another 180.

I'm actually enjoying my singledom... Why? Because it's damn fun, that's why. My life has been infinitely more interesting than it's ever been... Sometimes a little weird, but interesting nevertheless. Just this last Saturday, I had a number of girls giving me the eye. There were about of dozen of them dirty dancing away on stage with us (the band) near the end of the night. I did some more dancing (first time in a while) and made a new "special friend". The rest of the night was, well, the rest of the night.

Today, I went out to my car to head off to work (I'm still teaching IT classes during the afternoons), and saw this note on my car windshield. I was being asked out again. By the same person who lives in my building and saw me loading my gear in at 3 am a few weeks back. She told me she thought I was handsome, and I was always very polite, etc. etc. She wants to know if I want to do coffee/drinks/movie sometime. I'm flattered, but this is just too weird.

It's like, for 7 months or so, nothing. Then, all of a sudden, I go off Accutane, my muscle growth finally takes off, I get some biceps, and wham! Girls are bugging me left and right. Not just bugging me, but saying and doing the strangest things. For the first time in my life, I think I know how girls feel. I'm not complaining, I've spent a considerable amount of time and effort improving my looks and my body, and I'm glad I'm finally getting attention, but honestly, I was not expecting this much. I'm getting hit on by somebody every other day (unless of course I stay home, which is frankly not much fun!) And they say the strangest things (besides my second 3-some proposition on Sunday).. On Friday, these two girls were telling me that I had "nice boobs". I said "What???", to which they clarified, "We like your chest..." Um.. Ok.. Thanks, I guess? Ever the comedian, I made an attempt to push them together like some girls do to show off their mammaries.

I really, really hope it doesn't sound like I'm bragging here, because that's not my intent. Look, this comes from a guy who has for the largest part of his life been ignored by most girls. Every once in a while one comes along who thinks I'm cute, and maybe I go out with her for a while. This is the first time in my LIFE that I've gotten THIS kind of attention.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm glad that my date is still on for tomorrow, but what about the girl who left me the note? If I remember correctly, she wasn't ugly or anything, but I don't remember being floored either. Maybe it was late, but I don't really remember too much about her. I'm not sure I'm ok with meeting up with someone who a) lives in my building, b) knows which car is mine, and c) possibly even knows my apartment number.

The reason I'm worried about c) is that I *might* have been woken up to a knock on my door this morning. Just a single set of knocks, and my doorbell didn't ring. IF that was the same girl, then I'm truly freaked out. I know I should do the honourable thing and call her, but I'm just a little concerned. I don't want to lead her on either. Having someone be upset when I have "company" over might be cause for alarm. And if things go like I think they might, I may have company more often than not.

Ack.. What do I do????? Should I just tell her that I'm seeing someone? That is not far from the truth...

Help!

Date,,,

2005-10-24T21:52:00.000-05:00

So

I have a date. Wednesday.

Yes folks, the impossible has happened, and me and my picky self are actually going on a date. Maybe. We haven't set the time or anything yet, we've just said we're going to see a movie on Wednesday. "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". It's a movie I did want to see, and apparently Johnny Depp is one of her favourites. We "hung out" a fair amount on Saturday. I ended up dancing with her purely by chance, and giving her a ride purely by chance. Or was it? I'm wondering if everything was planned to look that way... Maybe some day I'll find out...

I think I like this one. She's tall, smart, maybe a little too young for me, looks (to me) a bit like Keira Knightly, has a really great smile and (my weakness) has really nice back and shoulders. I haven't called her yet, so I'm not even sure if she gave me the correct number. (Mr. Paranoid strikes again..) I'm going to call her Tuesday to confirm our plans for a movie. I actually wanted to call tonight, but after consulting with friends (mostly girls), I'm told it's too soon. I should wait 'till tomorrow. I'm not going to cave. I'll wait till tomorrow, although I really detest playing these "games". They suck. There are always these stupid rules that guys need to follow all the time. I've usually gotten away with never playing them, but then again, look where that methodology has gotten me thus far. Nowhere.

So I'll call tomorrow. Of course, there will be a few awkward things I won't have to worry about. We got to know each other quite well.

Oh, um.. yeah... My dry run is over. I'm soooo glad "Apartment Cleaning Girl" struck last weekend, and my bathroom was still spotless.

Who knows, maybe she was just "playing me", or maybe she genuinely likes me too. We shall see. We had a great time on Saturday night, so we'll see how we do on Wednesday. I tried to keep her laughing with my dumb-ass jokes, and smart-ass comments.

In other news, I managed to actually play 2 gigs at once last night, scuttling back and forth across town to do them. My hands were sooooo sore by the end of the night. But hey.. Double pay!

During my first 1/2 hour of an actual break (as opposed to driving all over between sets), I was once again approached about a 3-some, by the same person that wanted it before. Last time, she was hitting on me, grabbing my butt, etc. etc. Trying to get me to come home with her, while just hinting about the 3-some. (Her, her boyfriend, and me... ick)

This time, she actually sat down and proposed it... Calmly, matter-of-factly, and purposefully telling me she'd like me to partake. I asked about details, because I was still unsure of what she meant by all this, and she promised there would be no "guy touching guy". Well, that makes is much better. Not. God, I have a hard enough time by myself getting over my nervousness about being with someone who is not my girlfriend.. I can imagine just how disastrous watching some other guy in action might be... Not to mention that the whole concept just seems... icky. Hell, I don't even like it in a porn movie. Does nothing for me.

So anyway, I turned her down again. I simply said I don't think it's my thing and all. She seemed dissapointed, but said if I ever changed my mind...

*sigh*

Wish me luck.

Spinners?

2005-10-21T17:06:00.000-05:00

So today, I'm driving home from work.. Through the lovely Winnipeg 4:30pm rush hour, and this later-model Chevy Cavalier pulls up to me. It's being driven by an older lady.. Maybe in her 50's, and it's a rather plain looking cavalier, except...

Spinners.

Yes, spinners... The kind of thing that young guys put on their "pimped out" rides.. Completely useless auto parts that in no way compliment the actual performance of the vehicle. They serve no purpose whatsoever except to make it look "pimped out". So here they are on a Chevy Cavalier driven by a woman in her 50's who could very well be a grandmother. Hello? How is she not embarrased to shit driving a crappy car with these things on. She didn't look embarrased, in fact, she looked like she thought she was pretty cool. Not the way Mom might feel driving her son's car. No, she looked like SHE wanted those gawdawful things on her wheels.

A completely useless blog, I know.. But oh well. I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

Tuesday (well, technically Wednesday)

2005-10-19T02:06:00.000-05:00

Hello blogverse.

I've been rather delinquent on the blogging front. I've been busy reading an unusual amount of other people's blogging, and commenting like mad, but I haven't been blogging as much myself. Bad, bad, bad Brent.

Anyway, tonight I bought a lottery ticket. I never buy lottery tickets anymore. I've heard it said that if you ask the universe for something that you really need, you will get it. Ok. I really need to pay off my VISA. I'm asking the universe to just win me $10,000 so I can get somewhat out of debt. I don't know what I would do with millions of clams, but a simple $10,000 will suffice. Thanks universe.

Not much interesting stuff has happened to me since Saturday... I went out to the "live band karaoke" that some friends of mine do at a local pub, and sang "High and Dry" by Radiohead, as well as my standard there, "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" (Or, as I like to call it, "Don't Let Your Mom Go Down On Me") There were some interesting girls in that place tonight, but once again, I was too shy to actually talk to anybody. I got quite a few looks though.. Meh.. I don't really care much anymore. I'm (for once) just happy being me, and being single. I'm in great health, I have some nice toys, and I smell good. What I really miss though is sex.

Yes, I miss sex. Fuck do I ever miss sex. One thing I haven't talked about on this blog is just how deprived I've been. Yes, I've been broken up with my ex for 10 months now, so you might be thinking "big deal, it's only 10 months". Yes, you'd be right, except that it's really been 11 months.

AND

It only happened twice 11 months ago, and it was "let's try to fix the relationship" sex. In fact, it was horrible. For both of us I imagine. Neither one of us was into it. It was shortly after that that we knew we weren't going to be able to fix our fucked-up, fuckless relationship. Ever.

Before that however, we had gone almost a year and a half without. So, the last time I had good, enjoyable sex was actually June of 2003. After that we stopped (again) for god-knows-why. This had happened on and off over the course of 3 years, but I was always patient and waited for it to come back each time. It was never me, for the record. I was always 100% raring to go... It was her, or the fact that we were apart while she was away at school, or the fact that I just stopped trying after being rejected so much. I don't know. All I know is I want to have some good sex. I think I'm about due. Bring it on. I"m happy being single, but I want some sex... With somebody who wants it from me. That would be nice.

Oh, and dating would be cool too. Actually, I exaggerated above. I'm not really that desperate... I've turned down a fair amount of sex this last year. I'd just really like to date someone really cool, who I am ridiculously attracted to, and with whom I will eventually have tons and tons of sex. I hope I remember how....

Sunday Randoms

2005-10-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday.

In this exciting episode, we will see:

A random apartment cleaning.
A botched card reading.
The return of Broadzilla.
A 3am date proposition.

My apartment is clean. Especially my bathroom.

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone to another female friend of mine, "T". I was mentioning that I was going to be cleaning my place. I jokingly said "want to help clean my apartment?". To my surprise, she said "sure, just buy my some beer and I'll help you clean." I'm like "really?" So she met me by the gym, and came back here to clean the place. She did an amazing job on my bathroom. It's cleaner than when I moved in I think. She did all my dishes, and cleaned my kitchen too. The living room was also cleaned, and my poor plants taken care of.

I should mention that this particular girl is kinda, well, hot. Nothing untoward happened of course, we just cleaned, drank some beer (well, I had 1), and had fun hanging out.

I still can't believe she cleaned my apartment.

Between sets, I walked over to a nearby bar that I also play a lot, where the card reader lady who always tells my fortunes plies her trade. I walked over to her in the middle of a reading, and said "Can I be next please?" She said "sure". I waited till she was done, and walked over to the table, only to see some fat chick sit down before I could. Her friend that had just had a reading said "We're together.. It's her birthday.. You can go after her..." I said, "I can't. I'm playing another bar and I have only a few minutes." She shrugged her shoulders. The card lady pleaded with her to let me go first, because I had to leave. The fat girl just sat there. Whaddabeatch. The card reader lady was apologizing profusely to me.. Oh well.. Next time I guess.

I found "T", the girl who cleaned my apartment, and we started to make our way through the (packed) crowd to go back to the bar I was playing. As I was nearing the exit, I saw a familiar face.

Broadzilla

EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!

It was her alright. The hair was the same as it was 10 years ago. Same hairstyle. Same "hair fountain" look with the curly hair and a ponytail on top. It looked cool in 1995. Same goofy look, only it was a really haggard looking version of her, not to mention bloated. She looked like a caricature of herself. I thought of just ignoring her, and I wasn't sure if she was ignoring me... But against my better judgment, I leaned over and said "Hi" while she was walking by me.

She turned around and looked at me for a second... Ok, she didn't recognize me at all.

"Hey!!"

She was instantly giving me a big bear hug. I guess that's what a bear would feel like too. I felt her rolls pressing into me. Ick. She looked terrible. Her skin looked haggard.. She was even bigger than the last time I saw her, and that hair... Geez. She asked a million questions in rapid succession... Like "Are you married?" "How's your company doing?" "Where's your girlfriend?" etc. etc.

While answering the questions, I purposely pulled back my leather jacket so she could see that I'm in waaaay better shape than I was ever in when she knew me. She looked me up and down, then said, "You look really great!" I looked her up and down, and said,

"Thanks"

I don't think it dawned on her right away that I didn't return the compliment. I'm SUCH an asshole.

I said I had to go, and told her to come to the bar I was playing if she wanted.

I tell you, there's NO feeling like running into your ex, and she looks like shit while you look better than ever. (Note: I'm not trying to be conceited here, I've just put a lot of effort into improving my look this last year.) It's all the more poignant when you realize that she's 9 years younger than me, and looks my age or older. Ha! The girl who I dated just barely out of high-school now looks older than me. Ha! Triple Ha!

Yes, I was basking in it. How could I not? Here was someone who fucked me over in such a huge way when she was young and still hot. Now she looks like crap boiled over, and was practically groping me gushing about how great I looked. I expected to hate her. I expected to tear into her, telling her how badly she made me feel about myself.

But not, all I felt was pity. Pity for a drunk, overweight, pathetic chick who was desperately trying to hold on to her 90's hairstyle. I found "T" and headed back to the bar I was playing.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Broadzilla never showed up, and we finished up and packed up. "P", our singer was sober, and he's a fucking drag when he's sober. Honestly, if you can only have fun when you're drunk, you have a problem.

"T" left with our drummer. I think they have a thing, but are in denial.

As I was loading my gear into my building at 3am, I was especially tired. My legs were really sore from the combination of afternoon workout, cleaning, and walking between bars. My knee still can't handle too much.

I passed a girl on the main floor who said something like "He's back.." to me and smiled. I said "Hi". I loaded my stuff into the elevator and went up to the sixth floor. After bringing the first load to my door, I went back for the rest, and heard the elevator opening. The same girl I saw on the first floor got out.

She said, "Sorry to follow you around like this, but... Do you want to go for coffee or something?"

I didn't know what to say. This girl wasn't really attractive to me at all, but she had balls the size of the building. She actually had the courage to ask a complete stranger out for coffee.

I said (truthfully) that I was really tired and I had to go to bed, but smiled and said "thanks for the offer". She tried to talk me into it a bit, but

I'm kinda shy, and
I really WAS tired, and
I don't think she was my type, and
She just asked me out while loading my gear at 3am.

What an exasperating night.